After a while I faded out completely, just lying there detached from my body, while they were doing ... things to me.
They did not care, maybe not even notice.
Think they genuinely thought it was consensual.
They were nice to me afterwards, let me shower, chatted a bit.
I went home, not realising what just had happened, my mind was a total clusterfuck.
I just felt dirty, disgusted, like it was my fault, wanted to burn my clothes (did wash them and myself thoroughly)
I could not get their smell off my body no matter how much I tried it was awful.
The next day at some point the pieces fell together.
“I was,,,, raped?”
I went through a period of extreme dissociation.
I’d walk down the street and it felt like someone else was controlling my body, or my body was moving on its own.
I was just not present, everything in my daily life was happening to me, I had no control.
Spent several months having panic attacks at night.
Sometimes screaming, my body convulsing, my friend mistook it for epileptic seizures sometimes.
Non-responsive.
Not speaking at all or
Repeating the same words over and over and over and over (nothing particularly relevant)
Developed agoraphobia.
Sometimes I could go to the store next door to buy food but it would be a torture.
Walking down the street would give me a panic attack and I’d turn back.
Anyway, I can’t say I’m “over” it like it never happened but
It doesn’t affect me in big obvious ways anymore. No more panic attacks.
Other than prob as a contributor to my general anxiety
(one of many)
