i donāt want to make this a whole thing but i actually believe that i am disgusting and it hurts to hear other people confirm that even as a joke
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iāve been beyond scared out of my mind to approach women my entire life, itās always felt like i had to do it 100% perfectly or i was scum of the earth and didnāt deserve to live, iāve felt suicidal very rarely but itās always been precipitated by feeling like i hurt a woman
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like - there was this thread the other day from a woman talking about how her experiences having sex with men were so bad she turned her dissociation into a sexual orientation and reading stuff like that legitimately makes me want to die
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iāve deeply internalized from a pretty young age that men have hurt and continue to hurt women in so many ways and i donāt know what to do with the level of guilt and shame i feel about this, so far iāve mostly just used it to destroy my sexuality
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Have you tried EMDR? It can be really helpful at reducing the intensity of that kind of intense shame and guilt (and Iād bet thereās some anger under the surface). It can also help to gently do the opposite of what the shame/guilt wants (I.e. DBT āopposite actionā).
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i have not but i can probably get similar effects from a mix of bio-emotive and coherence therapy, iāve dug into like 5% of this so far maybe
and yeah thereās some anger at women down there and itās real scary to touch š¬
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For me a big trigger for the anger has been seeing that male assertiveness is actually really attractive, and feeling lied to about that. The problem is that that's nuanced assertiveness, and you can only get there by titrating the body/mind experience of shame and anger.
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oof i feel lied to about a *lot* of stuff in this area and i havenāt processed it much