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😔

i don’t want to make this a whole thing but i actually believe that i am disgusting and it hurts to hear other people confirm that even as a joke

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Emily

@the_aiju

i think partly women are also overexposed to bad men there’s a lot of wonderful sweet guys out there that are hidden in obscure corners of twitter or reddit or even 4chan i bet cuz they’re too scared to approach women cuz they think they’re disgusting self-reinforcing...

i’ve been beyond scared out of my mind to approach women my entire life, it’s always felt like i had to do it 100% perfectly or i was scum of the earth and didn’t deserve to live, i’ve felt suicidal very rarely but it’s always been precipitated by feeling like i hurt a woman

like - there was this thread the other day from a woman talking about how her experiences having sex with men were so bad she turned her dissociation into a sexual orientation and reading stuff like that legitimately makes me want to die

i’ve deeply internalized from a pretty young age that men have hurt and continue to hurt women in so many ways and i don’t know what to do with the level of guilt and shame i feel about this, so far i’ve mostly just used it to destroy my sexuality

singletrack

@ChasingMyself

Have you tried EMDR? It can be really helpful at reducing the intensity of that kind of intense shame and guilt (and I’d bet there’s some anger under the surface). It can also help to gently do the opposite of what the shame/guilt wants (I.e. DBT “opposite action”).

11:46 PM · Aug 16, 2020Twitter for iPad

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i have not but i can probably get similar effects from a mix of bio-emotive and coherence therapy, i’ve dug into like 5% of this so far maybe and yeah there’s some anger at women down there and it’s real scary to touch 😬

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Sounds like

was on to something here. Might be healthy to channel that in a fun/safe environment, if the opportunity arises!

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For me a big trigger for the anger has been seeing that male assertiveness is actually really attractive, and feeling lied to about that. The problem is that that's nuanced assertiveness, and you can only get there by titrating the body/mind experience of shame and anger.