Conversation

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Emily
@the_aiju
i think partly women are also overexposed to bad men there’s a lot of wonderful sweet guys out there that are hidden in obscure corners of twitter or reddit or even 4chan i bet cuz they’re too scared to approach women cuz they think they’re disgusting self-reinforcing...
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
i’ve been beyond scared out of my mind to approach women my entire life, it’s always felt like i had to do it 100% perfectly or i was scum of the earth and didn’t deserve to live, i’ve felt suicidal very rarely but it’s always been precipitated by feeling like i hurt a woman
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
like - there was this thread the other day from a woman talking about how her experiences having sex with men were so bad she turned her dissociation into a sexual orientation and reading stuff like that legitimately makes me want to die
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
i’ve deeply internalized from a pretty young age that men have hurt and continue to hurt women in so many ways and i don’t know what to do with the level of guilt and shame i feel about this, so far i’ve mostly just used it to destroy my sexuality
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
i want so badly to *atone* somehow. if there was some way that all women collectively could just hurt me over and over again until they finally decided it was enough and i didn’t have to suffer anymore i cannot imagine how good that would feel
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
i mean yes several but i had to be like 99.9% confident they were interested before i was willing to make a move (except once when i made a move on acid, and once when i uh pressured her into dating me). what do you mean by “good”? the breakups were mostly terrible
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