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i don’t want to make this a whole thing but i actually believe that i am disgusting and it hurts to hear other people confirm that even as a joke
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i’ve been beyond scared out of my mind to approach women my entire life, it’s always felt like i had to do it 100% perfectly or i was scum of the earth and didn’t deserve to live, i’ve felt suicidal very rarely but it’s always been precipitated by feeling like i hurt a woman
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like - there was this thread the other day from a woman talking about how her experiences having sex with men were so bad she turned her dissociation into a sexual orientation and reading stuff like that legitimately makes me want to die
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i’ve deeply internalized from a pretty young age that men have hurt and continue to hurt women in so many ways and i don’t know what to do with the level of guilt and shame i feel about this, so far i’ve mostly just used it to destroy my sexuality
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i want so badly to *atone* somehow. if there was some way that all women collectively could just hurt me over and over again until they finally decided it was enough and i didn’t have to suffer anymore i cannot imagine how good that would feel
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no this is good you’re giving me what i want
