case study: attaching being smart to your self-worth
all thru school, everyone in your life praised you for getting good grades, test scores, and awards
these things were easy for you. you had a happiness pump. why learn other strats when you have a happiness pump?
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as long as the strat is threatened, you don't have any worries. but as soon as you get somewhere were you either aren't the smartest, or aren't reaching the Smart Metrics put in front of you, you promptly FREAK the FUCK OUT, cuz you don't know how else to get good things
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compare this to "i had tiger parents who told me I was worthless if I didn't get into MIT"
different in all sorts of ways. that looks more explicitly like "attaching to self-worth"
but both hooked on praise and scared of crit can produce similar dependence on a fragile strat
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k, spoiling the ending, i think the actionable advice is "diversify your strats for bringing good things into your life"
that's HARD, but I'm generally capable of imagining what that would look like. where as "don't attach this to my identity" just produces strained grunting
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here's how I see identity relating.
everyone's tryin to be loved/accepted/wanted
a big way people achieve this is by being part of a group. "I am part of this group, so group members like me! This group also has clout, so other people like me too!"
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if you see your group membership as why you are liked, you'll be terrified of losing it
probs less terrified if you think you are liked cuz of the things you *do*
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Replying to @natural_hazard
Describe your traits and actions, both good and bad. Do not use the word "am." Write down as many as you can.
(In other words, never "I am a fisherman", only "I fish.")
Practice this.
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when identity invades everything, it abstracts away from group membership, and goes to general checklist
you can have an identity of "being kind", which is different from consistantly doing kind things
the first is still thinking "I do XYZ, which puts me in ABC category, and/
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/the fact that I'm in that category is why people like me"
drop the intermediary classification. It's not about passing a checklist.
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the key sign of a fragile ego/self-worth/identity is the hidden belief "X is all I have going for me. if it wasn't for that, i'd be donezo"
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hmmmmm, how does this jive with narcissistic identity dependence move "I'm so much more than just my mask!"
??
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Replying to
hmm maybe something like, the narcissist in this case has attached their self-worth to an internal fantasy self; they may not show it much to other people but it can still come under threat (narcisstic injury)