Conversation

QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
speaking of which, i occasionally wonder how much of the energy behind polyamory is due to romantic relationships being, in the US at least, the only normalized way to justify planning your life with someone you're not related to
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
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Replying to @choosy_mom and @liminal_warmth
"hey guys you should definitely spend 4 years bonding deeply with each other and then scatter to the winds planning your lives separately unless you happen to also be having sex with each other"
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
the first poly woman i dated told me, in tears, "i only make friends with people by dating them now" while we were having a conversation about my insecurities, and while it didn't do anything for my insecurities it's stuck with me
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
there's some kind of concept of deep friendship that seems to me to be missing in american culture, and i really really don't like the way some queer discourse in particular consistently tries to sexualize historical same-gender intimacy, as if intimacy were necessarily sexual
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
not that i particularly have a leg to stand on in my own friendships. i have left behind a lot of friends and i am not happy about it but i also don't know what to do. we weren't meant to try to maintain friendships without periodic *unplanned* physical contact
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
there's a kind of intimacy i had with my high school friends, especially the ones who knew me in middle school, that i *cannot* have with anybody else, because nobody else got to see me grow up like that, and grow up with me; similarly with college
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
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Replying to @liminal_warmth
we normalized moving away from our high school communities to go to college then moving a second time away from our college communities to get a job
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
there's also an intimacy i've never had and never will have, which is with a family i felt loved and understood by. as much as i like the "found family" trope there is something legitimately special about your literal actual family, which is that they *can't stop being family*
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QC (in Berlin 7/29-??? w/ COVID 😷)
@QiaochuYuan
we talk a lot about "atomization" here on the birdsite and a big component of what that means is that it's normal to leave behind everyone you love except possibly a romantic partner to move cities for a job. everyone is disposable and we all know that about each other
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ben hsieh
@tweetsbenedict
Replying to
@QiaochuYuan
would the alternative be some form of friendship where you are committed to remain in the same geographical location or move around as a unit? and deviation from that agreement requires group negotiation?
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Rustam
@rusant10
Replying to
@QiaochuYuan
External circumstances make it more difficult, but determining factor is still cultural I think. I was surprised at the seeming superficiality of friendships in the US when I moved there for grad school. Made it hard to feel not lonely/connected (though other reasons, too).
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