this goes deep. “I am performing and doing well at feeling.” FUCK ahaha ha. I think this is my own school trauma, or schooling trauma connected to my parents, of how they made me study growing up as a kid; they made me study so hard and forcefully, it was horrible
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(I still am knee jerk guiding these thoughts UGH) so horrible because honesty I fucking loved and love learning and learning was so amazingly cool and interesting and wild to do... yet being forced to study was so shitty, and I hate that they could be so separate
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I hate that so much and am always SO DEEPLY ANGRY at certain schools and ways of learning and think that they are absolute shit and most teachers know fuck all about teaching, like it was so clear to me: “do you seriously not fucking see what’s actually interesting here”
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honestly I hate schools and kind of want to burn them down and make new ones from their ashes. I know this is definitely the reason why I started teaching is because of a kind of revenge, angry joyous, like planting a tree in the building, or turning a lecture into a dance party
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learning liberated from teaching, damn. fuck. what a wild insane magic crazy thing it is to learn and how fucking shit schools are in comparison. like the worst kind of fucking up
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like someone was like “hey! can I take your delicious juicy apple of a school and make a tasty dish out of it” and you were like “Sure” and they come back with something that smells with burning rubber
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like “how the fuck did you fuck is up, it’s an apple, it’s just good on it’s own, or you could have made a pie, or whatever; how did you fuck up LEARNING? are you evil or stupid or what”
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Jesus fucking Christ I cannot FUCKING understand and it’s a huge part of us! Learning is just playing with new things, in new ways! It’s mental travel! Go and eat new food and wander around and look at things! Jump on the swing set! UGH and it’s WASTED by turning it into schools
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okay so I am tempted to guide myself back though, the part of me that gets good grades, that wants to give me a good grade on this session, on this healing
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Hahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha ahhh of course healing is a scam, or like it’s just another test, I am trying to Get somewhere, I am trying to GET myself and guide me there, push me there, and to do it WELL
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