this is the sort of thing that comes to mind these days when I honestly think I’m doing fine! better than ever! really! & noticing cravings to carve myself up again - in new places! not the spots I have covered with great big tattoo talismans of protection
who wants to hurt me?
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I’m like kinda feeling like it’s not me. I could totally be wrong. I really don’t even know how to articulate this at all.
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I guess I have a few main guesses so far. One is that I am doing an unbelievably good job hiding from myself that I’m not ok and the self-harm craving is the one signal sneaking through trying to remind me I am still crazy. Would be new and impressive, but seems plausible.
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Next guess- I’m the most ok I’ve ever been, I’m just steeping like a lil tea bag in the hot water of all the crisis feels. Its heavy for everyone & some of my therapists say I have an energetic tendency to take on any & all available emotional work in a space 🙃 that could do it
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My last big guess is that THIS WORLD CONTAINS MULTITUDES OF WHICH WE KNOW NOTHING and I made some accidental sort of demon companion and for whatever reason my demon companion needs some sort of help, preferably a blood sacrifice, but it isn’t v clear w me about why
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I imagine these guesses sound like they are written in increasing order of craziness but they are actually written in increasing order of resonance. That I’m doing some sort of collective emotional work and/or being stalked by a demon feels closest.
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Maybe this defies reason but frankly, the question defies reason, so why shouldn’t the answer.
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I will reiterate here that I am the happiest I have ever been ever ever ever, and I have lots of tricks for getting around the strongest impulses to hurt myself and I haven’t even had to resort to any of them. I am totally fine. It’s just a super weird, confusing experience.
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My hopes in writing this all are fourfold-
1. hiding stuff sucks sharing stuff is awesome
2. if you feel weird lately, or if you’ve ever self-harmed, maybe you’ll find some of this relatable and comforting
3. maybe some of you have insights about self-harm that could help me...
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and finally
4. pls hmu if you know how to deal w demons.
tysm for real.
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