oh, i see. apparently i believe that i'm not allowed to be happy unless i'm perfect. that would explain a lot
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afaict all of my happiest moments over the last 2 years were times when i felt like i was impressing people a lot - that i had been performing perfectly in some sense. it is most reliably the thing i need to access happiness, and the sense that i've done anything wrong kills it
![Groke [norn]](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1181399541951545344/B5NRGYr-_normal.jpg)
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my gender identity is enneagram 3. that means i don't care what my gender is as long as you're impressed by my gender performance. my pronouns are "that really cool person over there" if i woke up in a woman's body tomorrow i'd be fine as long as i had outfits i could rock
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This is huge. What if we're worthy and deserving of love just by existing? I like this story better.
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i dunno man sounds like propaganda to me (seriously though, people say this and it has no effect on me, my lived experience is that when i make mistakes people stop loving me, esp. women)
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Big positive emotions are overrated. They are extremely rare in a life. Peace and wellbeing is where it's at I believe.
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so, there's definitely something self-defeating about chasing after emotional highs. and, my experience is that many people are actively denying themselves positive emotions when they arise, and removing obstacles to naturally arising positive emotions is really really good
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