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oh, i see. apparently i believe that i'm not allowed to be happy unless i'm perfect. that would explain a lot
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afaict all of my happiest moments over the last 2 years were times when i felt like i was impressing people a lot - that i had been performing perfectly in some sense. it is most reliably the thing i need to access happiness, and the sense that i've done anything wrong kills it
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my gender identity is enneagram 3. that means i don't care what my gender is as long as you're impressed by my gender performance. my pronouns are "that really cool person over there" if i woke up in a woman's body tomorrow i'd be fine as long as i had outfits i could rock
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Also Zhuangzi might have cooked up a good little homebrew remedy for this particular ailmentpic.twitter.com/YRtSTu69YJ
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Hell is if you think a condition for being perfect is being not perfect
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