Simply feeling is the first step towards sense- and meaning-making. Towards taking in fully what the world is like now, and what actually matters and is worth doing. Towards becoming a good, trustworthy person whose way of being will not break under emotional strain.
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What I suspect is that I spent the last several years running on fear, and I spent most of last year running on hope. Hope felt a lot better. It felt incredible! But it turns out hope has all of the same problems as fear.
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The shape of my hope was this: all I have to do is this feelings stuff, and then people will love me. And then I won't feel so alone. And then everything will finally be okay.
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It took the almost complete dissolution of my most important group of friends for me to begin to understand that hope wasn't the answer any more than fear. That, in fact, there was nothing I could do that would make it all okay.
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I have been slowly losing hope over the last year, and I want to be very clear that I think this is progress. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do the things I want to do in the world without risking hurting people. I don't know, yet, how to act without hope.
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What I do know is that there is something I care about, and that something matters.
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I'm gonna spend a decent chunk of the day trying to say nice things to strangers on Kind Words if anyone would like to join me:https://store.steampowered.com/app/1070710/Kind_Words_lo_fi_chill_beats_to_write_to/ …
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Commentary on this thread from my friend and mentor Pete Michaud on Facebook, re: emotional capacity, reproduced with permission: https://www.facebook.com/qiaochu/posts/10156289323935811?comment_id=10156303178865811 …pic.twitter.com/W4nC7Hq96Y
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