QC

Short thread about some uncomfortable things I've realized about hierarchies and my self-esteem. I think that for most of my life my ego was sustained by some semi-illusory feeling of "impending awesomeness", like the man I dreamed of being was just around the corner.

And for most of my life, there was a clear trajectory upwards in success and status. But in 2019, I suddenly feel like I can only sustain this "ego growth" by quitting my job and plunging into speculative projects. The thought of just continuing my life as is fills me with dread.

Objectively, I'm super successful! I'm top 1% globally in income and creative output. I'm married to a top 1% woman. I have a rich social life in New York, home to an awesome 0.1% of the world's population. And yet, I'd feel like a total loser if I just stayed at this level.

Why? Partly because I always compare myself to people more awesome than I am. I don't read the 99 blogs that are worse than Putanumonit, I read Slate Star Codex and feel inadequate. But part of it is just that my self-esteem depends on the derivative of my success, not the level.

On one hand, this leads to continued misery. The further I go the harder it would become just to stay mildly satisfied with my life. The Buddha tells me to relinquish my attachments and illusions. And it's not like losing this unhappiness is a guarantee that I'll stop improving.

But from my current internalized value system, it's incredibly painful to do anything that would risk the "impending awesomeness". For example, learning to make peace with my current subjective mediocrity. So there it is, I'm stuck in this weird catch 22 and it's not very fun.