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so, taking that train of thought seriously: given that we don't have villages, how might we redesign dating to produce honest signals of trustworthiness? my first thought is to add more stress: do harder stuff together sooner, e.g. take a class, do a hard escape room or sth
second thought is to pull in other people: meet each others' friends and parents sooner, hear all the gossip. relationship is not a 2-player game; if a relationship is gonna go anywhere it needs to be embedded in a shared community, so make that explicit in the process
this on point tweet from @david_perell goes in here somewhere, h/t @tasshinfogleman:https://twitter.com/david_perell/status/1041829822287233029 …
Sounds like Lean Dating:fail fast
yeah! i had this thought awhile ago but didn’t have a snappy way to refer to it, “lean dating” is pretty good!
Matchmakers! psst, I'm currently operating as a matchmaker. I have friends tell me their criteria (hard yes, hard no, negotiable: kids? poly? women/men? // long term committed primary or something else?) and I'll keep an eye out for them.
My limiting reagents are - women who want kids & for whom poly is NOT mandatory - men who are OK with poly & actively seeking long-term commitment (incl. child-raising) - among folks who don't live in the Bay Area, some way to promptly test compatibility with Bay Area folks
That's how arranged marriages are supposed to work ideally. I used to think that was the norm, but over time I realized that my extended family just had anomalously good culture in this regard. Works spectacularly if you're lucky that way, but probably not so good otherwise.
Also, there's some sort of feedback loop going on here. In my family, parents evaluating a prospective suitor always ask about their family, and shamelessly apply guilt by association. And their ideal candidate is someone from a family already connected to them via marriage.
I think this is a big one. Going on one off dates and going on one night stands, deciding then and there whether you want to continue the possibility of engaging in a romantic relationship doesn't make much sense. Become friends first, and friendship comes in more than twos
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