i am fed up with tips and advice. people have too much of that already. what we need are tools for transmitting ways of perceiving and being, which is much harder but produces much deeper and longer-lasting change
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all of this advice is downstream of / generated by something more fundamental. what is it? if i had to name it, maybe "understand, deeply, that the person you're listening to is real, exists as much as you do, and is a person you could love"https://twitter.com/emilyca5/status/1149165769067884544 …
Tips to be a better listener:
Listen quietly; show you’re present with nods not words
Don’t be thinking of what to say next
Allow for pauses & silence
Ask questions to help the speaker deepen or expand
Don’t feel compelled to fix or give advice
You got this
Listen quietly; show you’re present with nods not words
Don’t be thinking of what to say next
Allow for pauses & silence
Ask questions to help the speaker deepen or expand
Don’t feel compelled to fix or give advice
You got this-
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Qiaochu Yuan I absolutely love your thought here, & don’t think our perspectives are mutually exclusive. This advice is downstream of something deeper just as you described, and, understanding that takes deep, long-term self-work. In the immediate, advice can help as a first step
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Thanks for the reply! I also don't think the perspectives are mutually exclusive
I feel a little embarrassed now recognizing that in replying to your tweet I wasn't taking my own advice, and was forgetting that you, too, are real and exist as much as I do! - 1 more reply
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I agree in principle, but think you can realize this but still not know how to listen. For example, the tip of not thinking about what you are going to say when the other is talking was revolutionary for me when I heard it.
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True listening is a shared flow state. I liken it to being a mirror. You work to hold the story as it's presented to you, facilitating its expanding through questions and curiosity. It's just a shape from another's mind, so it can't be "wrong" or "incorrect".
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And the point: Making sense of ourselves is hard. Like forcing a dream into a story-shape - that's all of life. Having someone who can hold the pieces while you fit them together is invaluable.
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Downstream of “be genuinely curious”
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Recently I compared meditation systems and the person’s experience to an uncanny valley. I guess that applies here; like map/territory but different because of the way we forget, and what happens when we do. Maps don’t talk back to us, but our veiled projections of a person do.
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