QC

2) Relationship patterns are self-reinforcing. This goes real deep, tons to explore here, @Conaw gave a cool talk about this recently. E.g. there is a real, tragic, unsettling phenomenon of people who were abused continually finding new partners who abuse them.

Anxious and avoidant attachers continually finding each other is similar. I don't know how to name the general pattern but it has something to do with all your shadow / unprocessed stuff coming out in who you're attracted to.

Then your shadow / unprocessed stuff comes out again, in how you relate to who you're attracted to. From the inside this can come to feel inevitable, e.g. a woman might come to feel that men are inevitably abusive, avoidant, etc. (rather than only the men she's attracted to).

I want to be really clear that I'm not trying to "victim-blame" here. It sucks that some people reliably attract abusers into their lives whatever the causal mechanism. I want to understand what's actually going on so we can actually improve people's lives.

People have "fields" - ways of being that strongly influence how other people behave towards them, that radiate out through words and actions, but also through facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc.

The most durable fields are self-reinforcing; e.g. if you have a "niceness field" such that people feel you're nice and want to be nice to you, you experience a world full of niceness, which makes you more nice, etc.

Some people have "victim fields": their faces, bodies, etc. broadcast that they can be bullied, harassed, abused. So they attract abusers and experience a world full of abuse, which makes them more traumatized, which strengthens the victim field. This sucks.