"What other people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is their own business" is a bad argument for sexual tolerance, because it's not true and has never been true. We obviously care a shit-ton about other people's sex lives and always have.
-
-
Cf. my thread on consent-as-a-tool vs. participation-as-the-thing-consent-is-trying-to-accomplish:https://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1113562140307124224 …
Show this thread -
Some might say e.g. that a 15-year-old can't "really consent" to sex with a 40-year-old, because of power imbalances etc. Using my terms, I would prefer to say that the 15-year-old is very unlikely to be able to participate, with or without explicit verbal consent.
Show this thread -
OTOH parenting requires routinely violating the consent of children in some sense, e.g. making them go to sleep or go to school when they don't want to. We don't have a coherent ethical story about this.
Show this thread -
More uncomfortable territory: how do you know that you, or your sex partners, can "really consent" to sex? What if most adults can't "really consent" to sex? Does that make most people rapists?
Show this thread -
There's an important sense in which I was unprepared to consent to sex (e.g. lack of ability to tell what I really wanted) when I was 15, and turning 18 didn't make it any better! In some sense I was unprepared to consent to sex until I was 27 or so.
Show this thread -
In the meantime I attempted to consent to sex when I was 21 and the experience was deeply traumatizing, in a way that I wouldn't recognize and work on until much later. Long story.
Show this thread -
I would prefer to say: it's hard to cause participation, and it is mostly not happening. Many people are suffering and hurting themselves and each other, in and out of the bedroom. We did not get taught how to love ourselves and each other well. But we can learn.
Show this thread -
As far as privacy: mostly it seems people want privacy to protect themselves from bad or nosy people. That makes sense. But I think in many ways privacy is part of the problem, e.g. it hides abuse in families and romantic relationships.
Show this thread -
Cf. the fascinating "birth and death of privacy":https://medium.com/the-ferenstein-wire/the-birth-and-death-of-privacy-3-000-years-of-history-in-50-images-614c26059e …
Show this thread -
As far as what's my business: in general I think telling people "the thing you're doing is bad and you're bad, stop doing it" mostly doesn't work, and when it does work it's borderline abusive. I think there are better ways for us to talk about how to be human together.
Show this thread -
("The thing you're doing is bad and you're bad" is distinct from boundary-setting: "the thing you're doing is hurting me, and if you keep doing it, I'll leave." No need to appeal to the concept of badness here.)
Show this thread
End of conversation
New conversation -
Loading seems to be taking a while.
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.