I know too many men who straight-up have trauma around relating to other men - because their fathers abused them, because boys made fun of them growing up, all sorts of reasons.
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They tried so hard to love each other, because they thought God wanted it, and it destroyed them. Josh (husband): "The love I felt was real, but something in me wanted to die." "[W]hen we don’t have attachment—and have no hope of attachment–our brain tells us we need to die."
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Lolly (wife): "He has never touched me with the sensitive touch of a lover." "Subconsciously, it was a constant message. You aren’t attractive. You aren’t wanted. You aren’t beautiful. You aren’t a good enough woman."
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This despite the fact that their marriage was full of love and, for that matter, sex. But: "So much of that sexual activity was a belief that deep down, somewhere in me, I was actually straight..." "...more than that [sex] was an act that distanced me from the core of myself."
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It's a heartbreaking story and it has much to teach. Romantic attachment is real and important, Josh and Lolly didn't have it, and despite having just about everything else including sex, it was killing them. Again, how much worse must it be for incels?
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The standard take on incels concentrates on their toxic ideology, and yes, it's bad shit, but I don't have it in me to hate them for it. They don't have any other way of orienting towards their pain, and hating them for it is the opposite of helpful.
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