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smh some of y'all feel more love than you know how to express and it shows
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elaborated this into its own thread, not a fan of the wording i used anymore b/c it's natural to feel sad that our friends are sad, *and*... (sorry david can't figure out how to untag you)https://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1221970036077649920?s=20 …
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but as usual
@DougTataryn's bio-emotive framework is a place i'd highly recommend to start:https://bioemotiveframework.com/Show this threadThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo -
acceptance is the fundamental level 1 skill and if you master it (which is hard) you'll already be much better at emotional support than almost everyone at higher levels you can also learn how to help people name, express, and process their feelings - that's another thread
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ultimately your capacity to accept other people's feelings and pain is bottlenecked by your capacity to accept your own, so if you want to train this skill you can work on that then tell your friends you're not going to be hurt if they tell you about their pain! (if that's true)
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you can help people get distance from overwhelming feelings without needing them to be different - "i hear that you feel like a bad person right now" you can just reflect and accept
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acceptance also means you don't do the "CBT-ish" (someone have a better word for this?) thing of trying to argue with the feelings - "no you're not a bad person, you're so good!" this pushes the feelings away when you could be holding themhttps://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1219281482713378818?s=20 …
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your fear of being a bad person / friend if you don't do enough to help your friend is actually your stuff to deal with, not theirs; if your friend's going through a hard time and asking for support and you're willing to give it, set your stuff aside and save it for later
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a common subtle form of non-acceptance is feeling a need to fix or help, esp. if it comes with a fear that if you don't you're a bad person / friend. what you are doing here is needing them to be different, to not be feeling what they're feeling; this doesn't feel good
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the actual #1 most important thing you need to do when supporting someone else emotionally is to just *accept whatever is happening for them* there are obvious ways of not accepting like freaking out or getting angry, but there are more subtle ones too
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i want to talk to the people who want to do better than this it is possible to become the kind of person who is not hurt by other people's emotional expressions, and then you can become a space where other people can feel safe expressing; this is vitally needed work
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unfortunately it is just actually true that many people don't know how to handle other people's feelings; you feel too strongly and express it to them and they get sad or scared or angryhttps://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1176616087871348736?s=20 …
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this is a tricky but important thing to talk about so i'd like to clarify, the wording here is slightly off many of us are not sharing with our friends / loved ones how much pain we're actually in because we worry it's so much we would be hurting them; i wanna talk about thishttps://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1205998281618145280 …
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when i listened to it i got to the sob by saying this: "you needed me to be someone different from who i was and i couldn't, i just couldn't" specifically they needed me to be the son i would've been if they'd raised me in china but they raised me in the US
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oh my god you guys i love my followers please keep sending me stuff you think will make me cry this song hit real hard https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeP61JWCnZM …pic.twitter.com/ACqZbX77st
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round 2 "i reject in other people what i reject in myself"https://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1221621331315187712 …
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heading into a weeklong retreat with no electronics in 3 hours, AMA (about anything)
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QC Retweeted
Do you want your own
#SobSquad towels? The site I made them on has them 35% off until January 31st! (+free shipping w code CLEANCOZY) That means they're only ~$10! Here's the link: https://society6.com/product/sob-sunglasses-emoji-2_bath-towel?sku=s6-13171826p52a68v452 …https://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1218767794629763072 …
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flirting is nice but collaborative flirting is *great* wow
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