6 minutes in we have our first Mike Tyson sighting. He’s walking like a mannequin on strings and is badly dubbed despite speaking English. This is a flaming car wreck and I’m fully invested
They got the Chinese guy and have him hanging from a cross...not joking. Now they’re clumsily making sure the audience knows it was a female circumcision that was happening.
-
-
Cut to the Chinese guy being driven home and the woman driver explaining that they let him go because he drank a jug of alcohol. What?
Show this thread -
Oh, now we’re in a room where they’re announcing the two finalists in the telecom bidding...surprise, it’s the Chinese and evil white goatee guy’s companies.
Show this thread -
The Chinese guy is upset that they call him the China Salesman. More “nobody respects China but we’ll show them” propaganda. But oh no, the evil white guy is trying to sabotage them!
Show this thread -
Oh shit, Chinese Salesman has a backup frequency or some nonsense so the sabotage fails! But wait, now the Chinese guy is being arrested for having alcohol. It’s a set up because they spent a lot of time in the previous scene showing him buy goat’s milk, not alcohol!
Show this thread -
Mike Tyson sighting! Him and what looks like American military just ran in and started shooting the place up! Very subtle dig at America although they’re apparently trying to say it’s a local militant group
Show this thread -
Surprise, evil white goatee guy is actually trying to start a civil war to sell arms and take oil.
Show this thread -
This fucking movie is still trying to talk about telecom. Half of the fucking city was just killed and the pressing crisis is apparently restoring phone lines. Chinese guy has a plan
Show this thread -
Mike Tyson and his very not American militia are destroying communication towers. Chinese technology to save the day!
Show this thread -
Mike Tyson hasn’t thrown a punch in 40 minutes and Steven Segal hasn’t been seen in at least 30. I feel like I’m the victim of a horrible bait and switch.
Show this thread -
On the way to do something (fix a communication tower?) they’re ambushed. Chinese guy suggests they use a Chinese flag (what the fuck?) He keeps trying to raise a Chinese flag for some stupid reason
Show this thread -
He’s holding up the Chinese flag and patriotic music swells, the ambush people yell to cease fire. This makes no fucking sense.
Show this thread -
The attacking rebels apparently believe two trucks full of black men and one Chinese guy are all Chinese because of a flag. They love China because of course they do.
Show this thread -
The Chinese guy is now saving locals from guys in American military uniforms who are definitely not Americans. Very subtle. The local military exclaims that the Chinese guy is “their only hope”. Not joking.
Show this thread -
Here comes a sandstorm for no reason. Chinese guy must find a way to restore the landline. Chinese guy is apparently an astronomist as well given his knowledge of the ionosphere.
Show this thread -
This fucking idiot Chinese guy is still talking about winning the telecom contract. Hundreds of people have been murdered and he’s worried he’s not going to close the deal.
Show this thread -
This communication tower is “their last hope” so Chinese guy climbs it and ties a Chinese flag to it. How does any of that help protect the tower? Shrug
Show this thread -
Mike Tyson is shooting rockets at a helicopter and the Chinese guy...knocks the Chinese guy off (don’t worry he’s fine) and the helicopter shoots a missile at Mike Tyson that knocks him down, you know, how missiles knock people off balance when they explode 2ft away
Show this thread -
Oh, the helicopter is a UN helicopter and the UN guy immediately says he can’t help but wants to help. I feel like I’m on LSD
Show this thread -
So the Chinese guy gets on the helicopter and somehow the landline is now fine. Climax: some military guy calls the president of African country X and says let’s not do a civil war. Thanks to the landline civil war is averted.
Show this thread -
Upon hearing this, the UN helicopter pilot literally turns around, and I shit you not, just says “cool”
Show this thread -
Cue swelling music, cheering locals in the streets and problematic stereotypes on horseback shooting their Kalashnikovs into the air.
Show this thread -
Oh no, Mike Tyson is alive! Will the locals kill him? No, they put him on a horse and send him somewhere?
Show this thread -
Civil war averted, but obviously we need to know who was awarded the telecom contract. Drumroll please...China guy and his company.
Show this thread -
Oh but wait, evil white goatee guy has an attorney say they filed a lawsuit against China telecom for intellectual property theft
Show this thread -
Oh, what a twist, evil white goatee guy is on the phone with an American General who was behind it all along. America thwarting Chinese business by claiming intellectual property theft. Just in case the suggestion was too nuanced they just fucking say it
Show this thread -
Oh, here’s Steven Segal! Almost forgot about him. Why is this movie not over?
Show this thread -
So a white guy offers Chinese guy a job but Chinese guy says he won’t leave the Chinese company and it won’t go bankrupt. Someone please end this movie
Show this thread -
Evil white goatee guy literally just said the Chinese guy would win if he releases his source code because evil white goatee guy’s (western) government is too controlling and won’t allow him to release their source code.
Show this thread -
If you’re keeping up (why?) western governments are too controlling compared to China and China is going to win because of their willingness to be transparent in their business practices. My brain is bleeding
Show this thread -
Lol, for no reason the Chinese guy is now rolling down a sand dune and they’re showing a white lady bathing.
Show this thread - 10 more replies
New conversation -
Loading seems to be taking a while.
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.