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PseudoFootball's profile
MGT®️
MGT®️
MGT ®️
@PseudoFootball

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MGT ®️

@PseudoFootball

I’m a fantasy football machine but I’m running on Windows 95

Atop the Aggro Crag
Joined August 2012

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    1. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      6 minutes in we have our first Mike Tyson sighting. He’s walking like a mannequin on strings and is badly dubbed despite speaking English. This is a flaming car wreck and I’m fully invested

      1 reply 1 retweet 5 likes
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    2. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      Mike Tyson just tried to punch a woman in the face but was intercepted by Steven Segal. This is not a drill

      1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
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    3. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      This movie has so far managed the enviable feat of making it look like Mike Tyson cannot fight despite the fact that he’s punched through a barrel and a table and is Mike Tyson

      2 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
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    4. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      We now find ourselves abruptly in a boardroom discussing mindless details of the telecom industry. I assume this is some Chinese propaganda the government inserted.

      1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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    5. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      They’re bidding on some nondescript telecom project in Africa as far as I can tell although I mostly tuned out. Weird undertones of Europe rigging the market against Chinese bids. I’m going to need some Tyson or Segal soon

      1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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    6. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      Chinese guy is staring at some generic code scrolling on his laptop but OH NO, Mike Tyson is spying on him! So apparently Mike Tyson is a spy, which makes sense given his nondescript appearance

      1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
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    7. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      White guy with a goatee and a scar also seems to be a bad guy because he’s a white guy with a goatee and a scar

      2 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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    8. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      I’m guessing Steven Segal is some kind of ex-military sniper because now he’s at a desk with a picture of him pointing a sniper rifle at whomever was taking the picture, you know, like all former snipers have on their desk

      1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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    9. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      Now we have some more Chinese propaganda about how their company is the best because all the people work hard and don’t mind overtime. This is literally a movie about putting telecom in Africa...

      1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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    10. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      Oh...now there’s a weird scene where the Chinese guy sees a female circumcision taking place and literally kidnaps the girl...but wait it gets more ethnically uncomfortable as he’s being chased by Africans in Muslim garb on horseback. Jesus Christ

      2 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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      MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

      They got the Chinese guy and have him hanging from a cross...not joking. Now they’re clumsily making sure the audience knows it was a female circumcision that was happening.

      6:09 PM - 2 Oct 2018
      1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        2. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Cut to the Chinese guy being driven home and the woman driver explaining that they let him go because he drank a jug of alcohol. What?

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        3. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Oh, now we’re in a room where they’re announcing the two finalists in the telecom bidding...surprise, it’s the Chinese and evil white goatee guy’s companies.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        4. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          The Chinese guy is upset that they call him the China Salesman. More “nobody respects China but we’ll show them” propaganda. But oh no, the evil white guy is trying to sabotage them!

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        5. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Oh shit, Chinese Salesman has a backup frequency or some nonsense so the sabotage fails! But wait, now the Chinese guy is being arrested for having alcohol. It’s a set up because they spent a lot of time in the previous scene showing him buy goat’s milk, not alcohol!

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        6. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Mike Tyson sighting! Him and what looks like American military just ran in and started shooting the place up! Very subtle dig at America although they’re apparently trying to say it’s a local militant group

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        7. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Surprise, evil white goatee guy is actually trying to start a civil war to sell arms and take oil.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        8. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          This fucking movie is still trying to talk about telecom. Half of the fucking city was just killed and the pressing crisis is apparently restoring phone lines. Chinese guy has a plan

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        9. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Mike Tyson and his very not American militia are destroying communication towers. Chinese technology to save the day!

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        10. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Mike Tyson hasn’t thrown a punch in 40 minutes and Steven Segal hasn’t been seen in at least 30. I feel like I’m the victim of a horrible bait and switch.

          2 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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        11. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          On the way to do something (fix a communication tower?) they’re ambushed. Chinese guy suggests they use a Chinese flag (what the fuck?) He keeps trying to raise a Chinese flag for some stupid reason

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        12. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          He’s holding up the Chinese flag and patriotic music swells, the ambush people yell to cease fire. This makes no fucking sense.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        13. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          The attacking rebels apparently believe two trucks full of black men and one Chinese guy are all Chinese because of a flag. They love China because of course they do.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        14. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          The Chinese guy is now saving locals from guys in American military uniforms who are definitely not Americans. Very subtle. The local military exclaims that the Chinese guy is “their only hope”. Not joking.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        15. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Here comes a sandstorm for no reason. Chinese guy must find a way to restore the landline. Chinese guy is apparently an astronomist as well given his knowledge of the ionosphere.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        16. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          This fucking idiot Chinese guy is still talking about winning the telecom contract. Hundreds of people have been murdered and he’s worried he’s not going to close the deal.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        17. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          This communication tower is “their last hope” so Chinese guy climbs it and ties a Chinese flag to it. How does any of that help protect the tower? Shrug

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        18. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Mike Tyson is shooting rockets at a helicopter and the Chinese guy...knocks the Chinese guy off (don’t worry he’s fine) and the helicopter shoots a missile at Mike Tyson that knocks him down, you know, how missiles knock people off balance when they explode 2ft away

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        19. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Oh, the helicopter is a UN helicopter and the UN guy immediately says he can’t help but wants to help. I feel like I’m on LSD

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        20. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          So the Chinese guy gets on the helicopter and somehow the landline is now fine. Climax: some military guy calls the president of African country X and says let’s not do a civil war. Thanks to the landline civil war is averted.

          1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
          Show this thread
        21. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Upon hearing this, the UN helicopter pilot literally turns around, and I shit you not, just says “cool”

          1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
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        22. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Cue swelling music, cheering locals in the streets and problematic stereotypes on horseback shooting their Kalashnikovs into the air.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
          Show this thread
        23. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Oh no, Mike Tyson is alive! Will the locals kill him? No, they put him on a horse and send him somewhere?

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        24. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Civil war averted, but obviously we need to know who was awarded the telecom contract. Drumroll please...China guy and his company.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        25. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Oh but wait, evil white goatee guy has an attorney say they filed a lawsuit against China telecom for intellectual property theft

          2 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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        26. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Oh, what a twist, evil white goatee guy is on the phone with an American General who was behind it all along. America thwarting Chinese business by claiming intellectual property theft. Just in case the suggestion was too nuanced they just fucking say it

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        27. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Oh, here’s Steven Segal! Almost forgot about him. Why is this movie not over?

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        28. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          So a white guy offers Chinese guy a job but Chinese guy says he won’t leave the Chinese company and it won’t go bankrupt. Someone please end this movie

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        29. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Evil white goatee guy literally just said the Chinese guy would win if he releases his source code because evil white goatee guy’s (western) government is too controlling and won’t allow him to release their source code.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        30. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          If you’re keeping up (why?) western governments are too controlling compared to China and China is going to win because of their willingness to be transparent in their business practices. My brain is bleeding

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        31. MGT ®️‏ @PseudoFootball Oct 2

          Lol, for no reason the Chinese guy is now rolling down a sand dune and they’re showing a white lady bathing.

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
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        32. 10 more replies

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