Ppallo

@Ppallo

All business, all the time. Not CIA.

Joined March 2009

358 Following

3,396 Followers

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Ppallo

@Ppallo

Jul 9, 2020

If “in it to win it” seems a bit daunting may I offer “Joining the race, with the goal to place”? If even this is too much? There is still the cool “Current state, happy to participate” available. The “spoils” may go to the victor, but there are enough good rhymes to go around.

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Ppallo

@Ppallo

11h

Really hitting the fact that the bed pan is union made when showing its location to dates, to deflect from the whole "it is a bed pan situation I'm afraid" thing.

Lifting weights in my neighbour's garage with him, two friends and my neighbour's youngest. Surrounded by so much positive reinforcement I feel bulletproof, bringing it in for a hug after every single set. We want to get matching "Gym Fam" tattoos, wives have said no, that's ok.

The family has two lawyers Barkley "Buster" Knockworth, of the Guernsey Knockworths, a bulldog of a man who told me fear was unbecoming in a gentleman while tackling me during a game of croquet when I was four. And Zen Cohen, a keen aeronaut with kind eyes of deep blue sea.

I never saw the film “Almost Famous”, because close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades baby.

Parlaying my status as a celebrated war hero in the First Alien Conflict into a seven year film career, that peaks with me starring in a somewhat well received remake of 2009's "Did You Hear About the Morgans?".

Ppallo

@Ppallo

May 2

Apparently my ne'er-do-well cousin has gotten into "illegal copper stripping" as his next "hustle", aunt is pretty broken up about it, personally I believe in decriminalising sex work, so I don't mind.

Friends loading rifle and feeding me some tasty carrots, as they prepare to put me out of my misery like an old working horse, because I’m on my second minute of failing to remember what I had for lunch earlier today.

If you tell a prospective partner “Just so you know, I will eventually go down the same way Al Capone did”, and they say “I don’t mind a little tax evasion”, it really is best to be even more clear about your syphilis. Even if technically you “already told them”.

The second God-King in a calendar year has died from diarrhea, at this rate the rabble are liable to start questioning the legitimacy of the system. I think we tax them too little, a heavier tax would please the skies and keep our liege's stomach from getting upset.

As a precocious 45-year old boy wonder, my prodigious abilities allow me to easily identify which sodas have been included in a mixture of no more than four sodas. I'm also rather good at doing my taxes.

Currently pondering bro country star, and by the look of him, decent high school wrestler at 170lbs, Brantley Gilbert. The name is obviously a biggie, but it's this photo that grabs my attention today. Specifically the staggering amount of accoutrement young Brantley is wearing.

Johnny LOVES to bring up that he testified on my behalf in court once, especially when it's time to pay for dinner. But the nicest thing he said on the stand was "For all his myriad faults, I tend to think the bigoted bastard didn't do it". My lawyer said he had a "bad soul".

The guy from the Pinkerton's, who's following me, ran his car into the guy from Kroll, who is following me, right in front of my driveway. Had to ride my bike to work. Kroll guy gave chase on an electric scooter he had in the trunk. Pinkerton didn't bother.

Nothing better than making a surprise appearance at my ex’s parents' place for the party. Kent and Mag-Mag, I call her Mag-Mag, so do love me. The ex’s new guy seems a bit neurotic. I excel in the family croquet game of course and laugh with Mag-Mag about Marvellous Mrs. Maisel.

Little snippet from my horrendous hip-hop concept album project about an up-and-coming podcaster in LA, that has been preemptively banned in twelve countries. "Elevator pitch so dirty I need surgery, Tommy John, impress Maron with my elevated nerdery".

Ppallo

@Ppallo

Apr 29

"Building character" is broke boy behaviour, would much rather be building a house. "You might learn a little more about yourself building that house", oh yeah? Bet I won't.

Biggest mistake of my life would probably be shooting an Irish chap in a Budapest jazz club for asking me if I "tickle the ivories?" I was under the belief he knew of my poaching operation and acted swiftly. He luckily made a full recovery and we now do Easters together in Cork.

my uber driver asked “the wind, it’s okay for you?” and i said yes brother yes, it’s what carries our dreams around the world. i realize now he was asking about the windows being down.

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Who are my guys? Glad you asked. In acting it has got to be Ed Marinaro. No sports figure has captivated me as much as Mickey Rourke in his boxing career. Politics is a toughy, but at the end of the day it has to be, the 56th Mayor of Cincinnati Jerry Springer. THOSE are my guys.

I hate it when I'm crossing a road and people on the other side start yelling "No. Absolutely Not! Don't bring that goofy shit over here!" And so as a polite fella I turn around, and then the pedestrians over there go "Fuck that. Keep that goofy shit over there!" I'm in traffic!

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The tree gnomes still point at me, laugh in their "teehee" manner, and steal my undergarments while I bathe in the pond, but they have taken to leaving me an onion. I have little use for a single onion, but onions are famously valued by the gnomes, so I do appreciate the gesture.

"That's the man who steals cherries from our tree Papa" little Joey said in church and pointed at me. His father kindly shushed the boy and gave me a nod as he whispered in his ear. Told him about the time I saved Curtis the horse from the river no doubt, the town loved Curtis.

Fornicating with women from 1780 that's insane

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JOE LAMPTON

@MrLottaHoes

Apr 26

I fornicated with 1780 females and I live in this 2.7 million dollar house with pool and jacuzzi (24yr old)

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Ppallo

@Ppallo

Apr 26

[Guy who recently got Wallace Shawn's phone number, whenever any topic of conversation comes up] "Should we loop in Wallace on this one, get his take?"

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Hate it when my enemies billhook finds purchase, fetching me down from my steed

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The most embarrassing weapon to be killed by is the dirk. It was common practice for centuries to claim that men who were slain by someone wielding a dirk died of autoerotic asphyxiation. This was done to protect their honour.

Probably the main reason I wouldn't move to Huntington Beach, is that the nickname "The Huntington Beach Badboy" is already taken by former UFC Light Heavyweight champ Tito Ortiz. What would they even call me?

Ppallo

@Ppallo

Apr 24

Tough day for all my brothers out there who are the benefactors of marrying into a frozen food fortune. Know that you are valid and loved. The TV Dinners may be frozen, but the hearth is always warm.

Ppallo

@Ppallo

Apr 24

The guys trying to force me to watch their hypnosis video have successfully pulled my eyelids open, but their video seems to be hosted on some bootleg site. There's tons of British gambling ads and they can never guess which exit button is the real one. I'm pretty wide awake.

Ppallo

@Ppallo

Apr 23

I'm proud to have purposefully given myself dyscalculia, this way I can never count myself out. #DontCryGrindMore #TheIndeterminatelyLongWorkweek #StaplesAmbassador #HouseFlipper(1996)

account trying to go viral: men are really out here watching a 1970s political thriller in black and white called ‘The Galician Element’ and it’s three and a half hours long me [ in dm ]: is that real. or did you make it up for the tweet

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Ppallo

@Ppallo

Apr 22

Ladies, it's still a candle lit dinner even if your man fails to light the candles, despite twenty plus attempts. Let's eat our food and #BeKind out there goddesses.

The bullfrog in a tweed suit whose land I live on, came by to tell me they were busy planting this year's carrots. He proudly told me he still employs two gardeners, as his father did, though "only one maid." He then observed the rising spring sun and said "it's all diminishing."

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I race Arrival's foal Vice in her stead against the railroad men's newest contraptions, without their knowledge. Vice beats their machinery easily enough, and they don't deserve to see Arrival. These men fear awe, reverence is beyond them. Arrival is old now, not that they care.

Ppallo

@Ppallo

Apr 22

Co-worker from another department out of the blue at after-work drinks: "The Swedish Chef is a PROBLEM.". Never agreeing with anyone so much in life: "Absolutely brother. What's your morning routine look like?"

The ladies at the nursing home find it very charming when Gary the "handsome nurse" calls one of them an "enfant terrible." I don't get it, they're all rather old. I think it's because he has dimples, a famously useless trait, I'd much rather have two more IQ points.