I’m a bit confused. You don’t think reinforcing a kid for screaming will just make them more likely to scream the next time as they learn that it gets them what they want?
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Replying to @andrewstepner
Correct, I think that frame is wrong and harmful.
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Replying to @andrewstepner
You said “just make them”! Things a kid *may* learn: -screaming won’t get me candy at the grocery store -screaming pushes my parent’s buttons and they try to hide it -being loud about wanting something is in my parent’s shadow -“I will never get what I want”, on a gut level
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Replying to @diviacaroline
I think you may (probably?) have a point (that’s why I am asking questions). But the way you are explaining it makes it sound like you think it is so completely one sided. And that one sidedness makes me hesitant and harder for me to get a balanced understanding (I think).
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Replying to @andrewstepner
Here’s a different steelman of a thing. Sometimes people get locked into a relational dynamic and the best way out is to separate yourselves. It happens clearly with my older dog. He’ll bark and escalate when he’s triggered and I’m around but if I put him outside he’ll nap.
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Replying to @diviacaroline @andrewstepner
Like it’s a specific kind of trigger where he really wants interaction with me but it also stresses him out. I have spent a long time training him to be chill in those scenarios, and it has helped a lot, but it’s still hard.
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Replying to @diviacaroline @andrewstepner
It was important for me to realize that minds are not unitary, but a set of behaviors that may be incomplete or poorly integrated. The behaviors that serve the child best should be those that bring it in harmony with its environment. It's important to hold the space for them.
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Sometimes that means to hear out a behavior so it can get closure. Sometimes it means giving a time out or using a distraction, so the self regulation has a chance to catch up. Sometimes it means not to engage, so a part that is upset does not get more upset.
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Replying to @Plinz @andrewstepner
Divia Eden Retweeted Divia Eden
I’m glad you have systems that work for your family, but I disagree with you about whether punishing kids is ever a good idea.https://twitter.com/diviacaroline/status/1253079140753764353?s=21 …
Divia Eden added,
Divia Eden @diviacarolineI think the fallout from punishing kids at all is costly and so parents shouldn’t do it. That said, parents will need to protect themselves and their stuff sometimes, and in a certain age range kids IME routinely read this as punishment regardless of parental intent, IME. https://twitter.com/diviacaroline/status/1148399564883296257 …Show this thread1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
I try to make sure that timeouts are not understood as punishments, but can end immediately if the child can engage from a different angle. I have not discovered an alternative yet.
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Replying to @Plinz @andrewstepner
Fair enough! I think you should consider calling them something else then!
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Replying to @diviacaroline @Plinz
What’s the preferred replacement for punishment?
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