I have sympathy for your search for meaning and for you as a person, but communication is not possible. I don’t know how to be useful to you while having to tell you that you are full of the brown stuff!
I cannot help but think that something very bad happened to you, and now you detach yourself from the thing that hurts. But that is not working for me, and I am not sure how sustainable it can be. Also not sure if it is helpful if I say that out loud.
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You keep talking about things hurting. What's going on with that? When something hurts with you, do you allow yourself to feel the hurt, fully? Or do you feel the need to detach?
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Usually, a pain signal disappears when the thing in your mind that wanted to send it feels that it has been heard out. So I tend to go all in, but try to avoid a rumination loop, where the pain activates content that in turn reactivates the pain generator.
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