Apple event starts with a musical montage of the giant donut no one can work inpic.twitter.com/5uzteZ4aku
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Apple event starts with a musical montage of the giant donut no one can work inpic.twitter.com/5uzteZ4aku
Weird Billy Mays energy as Tim Cook introduces what I think is Apple's take on an always-on surveillance device from the home.pic.twitter.com/XlhgGoJJJt
Something something S5 chip, but I can't get past the "Scientology lecture in an IKEA" aesthetic of this Apple event. I love this with all my soulpic.twitter.com/G80836kf7J
This Apple set is "mid-century modem." And the scenarios for interacting with Siri are so real! "Your first event today is 11 AM gallery visit"pic.twitter.com/xHTnIelxi7
New Siri features will made the agonizing effort of integrating the mutually antagonistic Apple devices in your car, home, desktop and pocket with your voice. No more laborious typing! Now you can simply beg them to please work
Apple's vision of modern living is not only making me a hardline Marxist, but it suggests they need a few more employees who live in a situation where letting anyone talk over all devices via intercom is not desirablepic.twitter.com/phC9D3cVsY
The new iPhone will have 25% more G than any previous Apple devicepic.twitter.com/Md1ruXcfAz
Verizon CEO (who sounds exactly like Nick Rivera on the Simpsons) appears in a fulminating, sulfurous cloudpic.twitter.com/d7AGHnX4Bj
Cook actually bragged that the iPhone would use the rickety new 5G network instead of connecting to much faster public WiFi hotspots
Can't overstress the incredible fiveness of G at this iPhone rollout.https://www.theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036 …
Marketing exec gushes about a revolutionary new design as an iPhone 5SE with more camera warts slides into framepic.twitter.com/jw4Wbp9joT
"First we made our phones too big and uncomfortably round on the edges. Now they are smaller and have straight sharp edges again, until next year we round them and make them bigger again"pic.twitter.com/wkQ9IMPjm9
New iPhone has NANOCRYSTALS and twice the pixels than the last phone that was supposed to have more pixels than the human eye could resolvepic.twitter.com/GwbPJKzKcB
Apple's anechoic chamber lets you scream about the absence of a headphone jack in this device that totally has room for it without anyone hearing youpic.twitter.com/Wyq5GUp3eB
Lots of talk about the fancy new chip in the phone. A14 enables every experience you have on iPhone, except being able to see on a map if the Hong Kong police is tear gassing your neighbors or making arbitrary arrestspic.twitter.com/MHZdF5TaDu
The phone has a camera! It seems to make everything look like real estate listing photospic.twitter.com/WiruF48nGO
Do you miss MagSafe on your laptop? Well fuck you, here it is on your phone! And they use a custom nanocrystalline shield to capture magnetic flux! Apple must have hired a ton of L'Oreal scientists this year because everything now has nanocrystalspic.twitter.com/Ul1ala2HOm
Apple pledges to be entirely carbon neutral by 2030. Kiss your coal-fired iPod goodbye.pic.twitter.com/RRPvsU55yk
They have also made a slightly smaller version of the new phone without sacrificing any G or nanocrystalspic.twitter.com/NZEDq3Xfcp
You can buy these phones, featuring nanocrystals, magnets, hyaluronic acid, and micellar water for less than the price of a monitor stand!pic.twitter.com/jvBGoIpOAi
New "Relaxed Fit" screen is bigger than ever, because let's face it, you are toopic.twitter.com/xlJKSzjnL0
I can't really keep up with the specs, but basically this phone has 40% more woo than the regular plebe phone. The presenter definitely has a way fancier shirt than the garbage phone person had.pic.twitter.com/g3g2ijOvyU
iPhone now bragging about censorship. I mean sensor shift! https://twitter.com/Pinboard/status/1183751308802699264 …
The phone has a LiDAR scanner to make it an even better surveillance device while keeping it warm in the handpic.twitter.com/DYM9OKHiBn
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