Apple game demos are kind of like Christian heavy metal. Profoundly unsatisfying in a way that defies description.
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The bragging about an always-visible watch face reminds me of how many features promised by autonomous driving fanatics were already available in the horse
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There's a new iPhone and the fuckers still can't make it flat. This sparks joy.
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The new phone is so huge that it they are actually bragging about it providing a form of surround sound
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New ultra-wide lens lets you capture every shade of contempt in the eyes of the waiter at the same time as the close-up of your ramen
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Now talking about the new Bionic CPU, which has enough horsepower to exfiltrate a live feed from all three high-def cameras to the Ministry of State Security without any skips in Candy Crush
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Good news: battery now lasts an hour longer than iPhone XR Bad news: battery is no longer rechargeable
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Phone cameras are the new razor blades (multicolor LED is the lubricating strip)https://www.theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036 …
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Pretty wonderful moment when the presenter introduces a South Asian vice president in charge of the fancypants chip in the flagship new iPhone and can't pronounce his name.
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I also love the crowd clapping for arbitrary transistor counts and matrix multiplication stats. The new iPhone can find the determinant of a self-adjoint matrix in sub-log-log time, a feature pros have been demanding (STORMY, PROLONGED APPLAUSE)
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Presenter shows life-size image of the amazing Pro Charging Dongle, and waits (really) for applause when announcing that it comes for free with the phonepic.twitter.com/OHkyL2B9yq
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Presenter just described the "desaturate" feature as the phone's "outstanding black and white pro-level image filter"
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Another weird example of Apple vaporware, "Deep Fusion". Apple used to be really disciplined about not talking about unreleased features. It lets you take a picture of a guy in a sweater in bad light without using a real camera
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Presenter just described a new font on the iPhone ProPro as "so pro that you're going to love using it". Now I'm livid at how much this amateur-ass font is holding me back
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Who are these professionals who are finally going to spread their wings and use this device? Doctors who have been waiting for a phone with "surgical grade steel"? Photographers who are prohibited from using a camera by a gypsy curse? Video editors who hate themselves?
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This is the phone version of a luxury SUV that the manufacturer films climbing up Olympus Mons, and regular humans only ever encounter double-parked at Whole Foods
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Apple store person is talking about new personalization features, which will make devices absolutely unique to the user. Another feature that Apple's customers in China have been inadvertently enjoying long before the rest of us
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Presenter just described newly re-opened Apple Fifth Avenue as "a wonderful place for the community to gather". I would especially recommend it to the pitchfork and torch community.
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