Oh jesus christ, an Apple event. If I make some jokes will you promise to give to my beloved candidates?
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"We made a video about how the Apple Watch is inspiring people all around the world to be more active." Here's someone chasing a tourist for over 30 city blocks to hack it off their plump wrist.
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New iPhone taunts users with its seven headphone jacks blocked by a patented titanium portcullis. Only the pure of heart can listen to music.pic.twitter.com/oNtU2QDKat
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They are bragging now on stage that you can submerge the phone for 60 minutes under two meters of beer. But blood—what about blood?
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It's called the iPhone Xs Max, it's huge, and you can submerge it in beer. [wailing electric guitars play]
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It has a neural engine, super retina and a "bionic" chip, so that's a sigh of relief right there. And this baby is packed with styluses.
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I'm waiting to hear about the new, extra-sensitive Apple keyboards developed in cooperation with Nature Valleypic.twitter.com/YkWl5jcNM4
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Now talking about a next generation of open world role-playing games on the iPhone. Coupled with the superb stereo sound and lack of headphone jack, these will have your whole BART car rooting for your clan.
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Dual SIM thing could be legitimately useful for journalists, who can carry one secure device and have both a public and private phone number on it. A lot of journalists dual-wield phones right now, or play dangerous "DM me for Signal" games to keep from giving it out
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"We now run Apple on 100% renewable energy and never stop thinking about what's best for the planet" explains Apple's refusal to pay taxes to polluting state and Federal governments.
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Apple introduces mighty RECYCLOR™, the giant robot who spares your life in exchange for your old device. RECYCLOR™ runs on earth-friendly biodiesel made from Android users.pic.twitter.com/cwHwEkRjJJ
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As part of its commitment to sustainability, Apple is offering its employees a studio apartment in San Francisco's hip mission districtpic.twitter.com/SiyT6IH009
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I'm sorry, I have to go, my planet needs me. But if you want the next Apple event to be about how much the company is helping California and the country under the new, fair tax laws, please help elect a fighting progressive Congress this November:https://secure.actblue.com/donate/great_slate …
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