Learned today that my ex-husband buys his weed from a lesbian dominatrix that banned him from DJing at her sex club because he kept playing his version of "Lean on Me" made entirely of samples of Homer saying "d'oh".
Pinned
Follow
POOPSCRUFFIN4U (alpha male)
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U
i can't read or count. triple threat, baybeeeeee
shitpost centralJoined November 2013
POOPSCRUFFIN4U (alpha male)’s posts
congrats to drugs on winning the war on drugs!
*i catch my popular jock son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don't, mister. this is a goth family
[during sex]
him: call me daddy
Alexa:
ⁿᵒʷ ᶜᵃˡˡⁱⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᶠᵃᵗʰᵉʳ
Replying to
I love that the National Mustard Museum has a stance on the Russian invasion of Ukraine
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date's coffee off table*
saying "yes chef" after my cat barfs on the carpet
Replying to
korean horror is like "I don't know whether my house is possessed by a serial killer or if a human man is possessed by my serial killer house but one thing is for certain: I don't know if my sister actually exists or is a figment of my imagination"
All sex is choke sex when you're getting strangled by the invisible hand of the free market.
[during sex]
him: you like taking that cock?
me: you like asking stupid fucking questions?
japanese horror is like "the deepest pit of human terror is to be utterly alone in the most densely populated place in the world, pressed like a sardine against millions of other bodies without the slightest experience of human contact"
Replying to
level 11 slime box is what they called my ass in prison
Replying to
y'all wanted a regular ass politician to be president. this is what they do: cave to lobbyist interests and accomplish nothing of value
how is possible for someone to dance like this and have absolutely no ass
can't believe i fell for his shit again: it's the fifth time this week that the neighborhood goose has led me into a swamp
In case you didn't know, the clitoris is a homologue of the penis. It's very similar in structure, tissue composition, and function apart from not having a urethra passing through it. So if you've ever felt your clit throbbing kind of pleasantly, you've experienced a boner
Oat milk is not vegan. It is stolen in the night from that Quaker Oats guy's tits.
1500 pieces and this is the example they give of what you can make
women be like "I have anxiety" and then listen to 300 hours of murder podcasts
Replying to
And I tell you the weebs were hellbent on Pocky supremacy in 2005
eminem: you only get one shot
pfizer and moderna: lol no
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Replying to
Clitorises enlarge when aroused. It's a small boner, but a boner nonetheless
"no homo" said God as he put Man's g-spot up his ass
I found the worst person on OkCupid. This wall of text has probably rendered me infertile.
proof that bullying works
A week ago around this time, I got official word that I have thyroid cancer. Luckily, thyroid cancer is very treatable and I'll have surgery to take care of it in two days. I've been feeling a lot of gratitude for my friends, including Twitter. You guys are the tiddies. Good day.
how it feels when you go to the bathroom without your phone
ready for the finest dicking of my life tomorrow night like
got vaccinated at walmart and they asked if I felt weird afterwards and I was like "well yeah, I normally only ever come here to steal stuff"
him: what do you like
me: pork dumplings in szechuan sauce and peanut oil
him: no i mean sexually
me: what did i just fucking say
3. If you send text messages like the one in this post, you are reveling in and glorifying the worst aspects of your disorder and are 100% the type of person with bpd who should be avoided
it's not about need, it's about variety and stamina during the 12-hour extended edition LotR marathon
*guy dates his first preppy girl* damn this bitch does not brew potions
so this is where turtles with wailing human baby heads come from
Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it
comedy is wild, man. a booker is telling me "I've never seen you do 20 before... can you send a clip?" so I went 9000% petty and sent him a clip of me doing 20 mins of standup in which you can hear his laughter because it's from a gig at his club that he booked me for 2 years ago
BAE: you mean the world to me. i love you and want to spend my life with you
ME (emotionally stunted): *finger guns* cool beans
[gorilla mask is pulled off Harambe after he's shot]
[it turns out to be that dentist who shot Cecil the Lion]
MILLENNIAL:*puts dick away*
These damn millennials using acronyms like "idk". Why can't you just say "I'm Donkey Kong" like a fucking adult?
