As long as I live, I will never understand how this alone wasn’t the end of it.
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Damien Owens
@OwensDamien
@ damienowens dot bsky dot social
Damien Owens’s posts
I hear you, Sanders supporters who plan to vote Trump. One time I asked for Coke but they only had Pepsi, so I set fire to my head.
You have to feel sorry for CPAC. They booked a perfectly normal Nazi in good faith and then found out he was some kind of *weird* Nazi.
Sick of all the chirpy articles saying ‘Why not use this time to learn a language or master an instrument?’
BECAUSE I’M PARALYSED WITH ANXIETY, THAT’S WHY, MARY FUCKING POPPINS.
I don't want to see a picture of Jeff Bezos's dick, thank you very much. I'm perfectly happy with dick pics from my local independent bookseller.
The situation in Syria is incredibly complex, but if anyone can unravel it it’s a reality TV host who lost money running a casino.
Saoirse Ronan has been nominated for an Oscar four times. She's 25. I got on a Dublin bus last week and asked the driver for 'A bus, please'.
I want to skip to the end of the Trump movie where it fades out and captions tell us how long they each got in prison.
Irish Film Classifications
G: Grand
PG: Mostly grand but sure you know yourself
12: Might be a bit of shifting
15: Shifting, implied riding, lads getting a box in the mouth, a few bad words
18: Riding, young wans in the nip, heads blew clean off, and the LANGUAGE out of them
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Oh, come on. Ariana Grande v Piers Morgan isn’t a fair fight. She’s a sharp young woman with the world at her feet and he’s a pile of gone-off ham with a face drawn on it.
I see the Sunday Times editor has apologised for the Kevin Myers article he accidentally commissioned, approved, edited and published.
All these old farts are upset because Billie Eilish is doing the Bond theme. Thank God I'm still cool. I say give him a chance.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Trump seems to be under the impression that he’s popular here in Ireland. This is in a Dublin pub toilet.
I won’t believe Sarah Sanders has quit until I hear her personally deny it.
I really hate wacky ties. Robert Mugabe has the right idea here - a sober deep blue with some low-key spots.
Trump Tower is being evacuated. There’s a ‘suspicious package’. It’s probably a book.
Our brains are hardwired to see humanity where there is none. Check out these adorable examples.
Now I’m depressed. I will never write anything as funny as ‘This is on top of the agreement we’ve signed with Liechtenstein.’
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BREAKING: Our negotiators have just initialled a trade agreement with Iceland & Norway for the European Economic Area. This is the 2nd biggest agreement we're rolling over and trade with EEA is worth nearly £30bn. This is on top of the agreement we’ve signed with Liechtenstein.
Irish people are cursed because we can't hear 'May the force be with you' without mentally adding 'And also with you'.
I'm not a big fan of Leo Varadkar. But I'm a HUGE fan of Leo Varadkar bringing his boyfriend to meet Mike Pence.
Any idea why they were called ‘The Troubles’ and not ‘The Smooth Sailings’, you ludicrous haunted pencil? twitter.com/stephen_rth/st
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Britain: ‘This footage is potentially devastating to the British army’s impeccable global reputation.’
Ireland:
Let us now join hands, bow our heads, and recall this photo of Larry David dragging his daughter around Civil War battlefields.
Can we drop the 'Theresa May's a good person doing her best in difficult circumstances' stuff? If she saw a button marked DESTROY IRELAND AND SAVE YOURSELF she'd break her fucking finger on it.
Please remember that ‘What are you depressed about?’ makes no more sense than ‘What are you diabetic about?’
The Trumps are like the Corleones except every single one of them is Fredo.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I'm bad at following orders, I'm emotionally dead, and she'd like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
‘Daddy, what was 2016 like?’
‘All the cool people died. Everyone fell in behind assholes with bad hair and worse ideas. It rained a lot.’
By the sounds of things downstairs, my wife and her book club pals sure have drunk a lot of books.
Trump's mad at Google because searching for his own name returns bad news. This reminds me of my lawsuit against Full-length Mirror in Well-lit Clothes Shop Changing Room.
Nice shot of a cheerful Pope Francis giving Trump the tour. 'Chairs, floor, walls ... We're done, get out.'
* Brexit will be a huge success!
* It will be probably be a success!
* We never said ‘success’.
* At least we’re taking back control.
* Look, most people will survive.
* Don’t forget, there’s protein in the rat’s eyeballs too.
Jeremy Paxman telling a joke:
‘Knock, knock.’
‘Who’s there?’
‘I’LL ASK THE QUESTIONS. NOW I PUT IT TO YOU AGAIN: KNOCK, KNOCK.’
‘I grow tired of this foul human air.’
‘Patience, Maz’khuun. Soon we will return to the under-realms and inform the Elders of our success.’
‘What’s that, chocolate? Everyone who laughed at my hat must die? Well, you’re the boss.’
Welcome to your forties! You're tired all the time now, you don't know who any of the famous people are, and you've got a phone reminder called 'Bins'.
Imagine the scene when Ryan told Trump he didn’t have the votes. I’d give anything to have been one of the flies on Steve Bannon.
‘Daddy, can we paint your face?’
‘OK, what am I going to be?’
‘A beautiful butterfly.’
Seems Jeremy Corbyn’s strategy of being absolutely fucking useless hasn’t paid the handsome dividends he might have hoped for.
Hey, America, Ireland here. Do you want us to take a swing at this Trump thing?
Ireland’s only just put its feet up after the Pope left, and now the doorbell goes again. ‘Shite, who’s that? AH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.’
Katie Hopkins lost her libel case and owes a lot of money. Let's dig deep and raise funds to buy a huge megaphone we can all laugh through.
Nobody can fuck off as far and as fast as these arseholes can fuck off.
In keeping with a tradition as old as the presidency itself, Trump just paid out $25m to people he defrauded by running a fake university.
I’ve got a good title for the inevitable movie about a Matt Damon-like star being stranded in Ireland, learning all about our weird obsessions and ultimately going native.
Here it comes.
Ready?
Are you ready?
‘IMMERSION’
I’m obsessed with I-Am-Very-Smart Twitter whataboutery. This one should be in an art gallery. Unimprovable. twitter.com/whitefeelingss
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Everyone’s laughing at Trump because he’s banging on about antibiotics. Give him a break. How is he supposed know that the coronavirus is a virus?
It's very generous of him but is an Australian actress what they really need right now?
Don't forget the clocks go forward tonight, as they do every night, pitiless and unstoppable, silent witnesses to our inevitable decay.
'Huge asteroid heading for Earth, where I won the election! Extinction-level event! Everyone doomed! Thanks!'
This isn’t what ‘secret’ means. Mind you, it’s probably not what ‘interview’ means either.
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BREAKING Donald Trump gives 'secret' interview to Piers Morgan on board Air Force One
mirror.co.uk/news/politics/
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
To be Irish these days is to constantly look east and west in horror, like a Wimbledon spectator who's just realised the players are drunk.
‘Having gnawed through the ropes and run naked down the street in tears, would you consider returning to our basement?’
Steve Bannon often looks quite sinister, so well done to Time magazine for capturing his playful side.
It didn't start with Auschwitz, you know. It started with lists and bans and press attacks and all the other stuff you stand over, grinning.
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On this #HolocaustMemorialDay, we remember the millions of innocent lives lost, and pledge #NeverAgain.
I don’t ask for much, God, but please, I’m begging you, have Garth Brooks commiserate with the Dublin crowd on the loss of their queen.
To Americans confused by today’s events: the French saw the racist lunatic pushing easy hate-based solutions and voted for the other person.
Remember when you were a child and America seemed impossibly cool and glamorous? Now you think of it and shudder.
Paul Ryan stares at the floor. A lone tear meanders down his boyish face. ‘I just wanted poor people to die,’ he croaks. ‘Is that so wrong?’
I'd love it if Bill Gates controlled me using a microchip. He couldn't do a worse job than I'm doing.
Disney World is reopening in Florida. You can go meet the updated Seven Dwarfs, Dopey, Coughy, Wheezy, Sweaty, Frightened, Lonely, and Dead.
London journalists, I’m begging you: someone ask the DUP how old the Earth is.
We don’t call it Boxing Day in Ireland. Although you may hear references to St Stephen’s Day, the correct term is in fact Stephenseses Day.
‘Ireland! A nation of storytellers! How are we to account for this rich tradit
Calling people Nazis is what turns them into Nazis, apparently. Please start referring to me as 'that super-rich guy all the girls are crazy about'.
To be fair to Dublin Airport Authority, who let 248 staff go during the pandemic, how were they to know about the linear nature of time?
Christ, you have to watch the Late Late to get an exit poll. It’s like someone stuck your Leaving Cert results up a cow’s arse.
North Korea flew a missile over Japan. This is going to require delicate-
*Trump has already tweeted a mushroom cloud he crayoned*
Just approached some kids setting a fire in the park. We had a long chat about civic responsibility, then all agreed that I should fuck off.
Big fan of this sort of tweet:
‘ORDINARY PEOPLE WILL NEVER TASTE FREEDOM SO LONG AS THE WINDSOR PARASITES ARE ALLOWED TO SUCK ON THEIR VERY LIFEBLOOD. ALSO, THAT DRESS IS BEAUTIFUL ON HER.’
I fear Ireland will lose the run of itself when Trudeau arrives. We'll wind up giving him Galway as a present.
I suppose the simplest reply to any Americans gloating that Jo Cox's murder proves gun control doesn't work is 'Learn to fucking count'.
Well done, Elon Musk. It takes a big man to eventually admit he was wrong after his lawyers pointed out he was going to get sued into tiny pieces because he called a hero a pedo for making fun of his mini-submarine.
This time last year I was getting Trump all wrong and being gently corrected by his kind-hearted and highly intelligent supporters.
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As long as I live, I will never understand how this alone wasn’t the end of it.
