Olly iConic

@OllyiConic

Contributor: Beleaguered Comedian: tweirts:

Boston, MA
Vrijeme pridruživanja: ožujak 2013.
Rođen/a 21. listopada

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  1. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. sij 2019.

    wife: i’m going into labor husband: when wife: now husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

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  2. prije 1 sat

    genie: you have three wishes me: a birthday cake with candles lit genie: genius

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    17. kol 2016.

    Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves Yoga instructor: True Nutritionist: So wise Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Therapy is for people who don't share their personal problems with the staff at Red Lobster

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    9. stu 2019.

    THERAPIST: seems like you’re not progressing ME: I’m just going through some stuff THERAPIST: yes *nodding* my purse

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  6. prije 3 sata

    neil degrasse tyson: [in full astronaut gear] wanna take a bath w me ;)

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    Libra: It’s all about the friends who don’t care about you who you’ve met along the way.

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 8 sati

    One time I sang Purple Rain to my shrink and he started crying and handed me his prescription pad.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Today I’ve been at for 25 years. Last night I was with just a few of the producers who made that possible. Thanks to them, and to you.

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  10. 2. velj

    [oil change] technician: want me to dust your air-filter me: is that like a “happy ending” or whatever

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  11. 2. velj

    [vasectomy] NURSE: you must ejaculate 15 times before your next sexual encounter ME: [perspiring freely] that could take years

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  12. 2. velj

    only TRUE swifties will understand

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  13. 2. velj

    me: some weirdo broke into my house last night cop: are you positive it was a weirdo me: well they stole all my taylor swift sock-puppets so you tell me

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. ožu 2019.

    kidnapper: we have your son dad: oh my god let me talk to him kidnapper: very well dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    20. sij 2018.

    ME: may i see a milk list WAITER: a milk list ME: that’s right WAITER: we only have 3 kinds ME: you got chocolate WAITER: yes ME: what year WAITER: why this one of course ME: bring the jug

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    24. tra 2018.

    dentist: i think the tooth can be saved patient: go for it dentist: [talking to the tooth] do you know about jesus

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    18. stu 2016.

    You can't tell by the clothes I wear but I draw parrots. If you saw me on the street you'd say ain't no way this guy can draw even 1 parrot.

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    18. velj 2017.

    [bridge] BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something? JUMPER: what? BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness. JUMPER: oh wait lol i'm not with the group.

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. srp 2017.

    A group of 4 or more Texans is called a militia.

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  20. 1. velj

    doctor: just tell me which medicine from tv you want dammit me: i don’t watch tv doctor: ooh good luck staying alive mister professor man

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    I happen to like Little Caesar's pizza. Listen, I live in Chicago and we invented pizza so I know pizza. Okay so the Chinese invented pizza that's not what I mean. But Chicago invented Deep dish pizza. And the voting reanimator. And in conclusion be kind to each other

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