God damn
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Chas Radbrn
@OldHossRadbourn
mostly retired now with occasional tweets from my dotage
Joined June 2009
Chas Radbrn’s posts
STATUE DISCOVERS LAKE
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BREAKING: A statue of Christopher Columbus in Byrd Park has been removed by protesters and dragged into the lake. This is a developing story.
Day one of quarantine. I have struck out each one of my children fifteen times. They have no fortitude. And they eat too much.
MLB: what do fans want this postseason?
FANS: announcers who like the sport
MLB: how about gambling
Billy, they’re a bunch of himbos. I’m not sure half of them can tell time. One guy kills people when he hits home runs. And Billy, we think they can beat the Astros.
. I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but if you don't insult the media for ~2 hours they give you a big free pass.
STATEMENT FROM CUBS CHAIRMAN TOM RICKETTS
“I am a giant piece of shit and fuck Chicago”
Opening Day. That sweetest of days. The crack of the bat. The sweet smell of grass. Fresh chalk lines. Young superstars testing positive for plague 6 hours before first pitch. Game time. I live for this.
If you had told me in 1884 that between putting goop on a ball and inserting a cadaver’s tendon into a damaged arm only the former would be against the rules I think I’d have been surprised.
Name a record that you think will NEVER be broken.
I’ll start: Home Run Baker’s 12 home runs in 1913.
They should name the Cleveland franchise after a former owner. That would be me, who went 37-1 against those bastards.
In my day booing was not the worst thing to happen to a politician at the theater.
BREAKING: outbid on Correa, Steve Cohen buys the San Francisco Giants
First I bought the plastic. Then I followed the directions. Like a pioneer. twitter.com/JesseKellyDC/s
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Nice of MLB to end its season with the reminder that the plague is everywhere. Thanks guys. Great job.
RIP me
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Dark day in @mlb history. #OTD in 1897, @OldHossRadbourn passed away in Bloomington, IL. We stop to raise a glass or 12 to his memory today.
What
New guy is absolutely dominating. Completes his games. Doesn’t mind working inside. Intense as hell. Can hit a bit too. The lads and I are going to have to lower the mound or something. He’s too good.
It has only been 155 years, good job guys
Holy fucking shit twitter.com/baseball_ref/s
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What's the point of watching a fight if someone hasn't been hit by a pitch first
If I could throw 103 MPH I would skip base ball and just throw objects through people.
FANS: not really into the chop
TBS: we have seven cameras dedicated to the chop.
MLB: Press 1 for a chop NFT
FANS: I just want to watch the game
MLB: There is an 80% chance the fans will do then chop in the next inning. Click 2 to bet the over.
I like to think Fernandez is, decades too early, tossing strikes to Ruth & Clemente and making 'em laugh about how silly they looked missing
ANNOUNCER: That’s a pop-up by Altuve.
SMOLTZ: What I like about this guy is that he doesn’t look like your typical analytics player. Analytics don’t work here. At all. He...
ASTROS: You know we hired half of Baseball Prospectus
SMOLTZ: But he’s short
By god I wish I'd pitched in a Game 7. Other wishes include:
-medicine
-food
-not dying at 42
-my father's love
-pitching in Games 1-6
Threw four pitches today—inshoot, low curve, way outside, and head high. New guy hammered four dingers. Ruth is just standing there, mouth agape. We have a new king now.
Oh good, it is Red Sox v Yankees. A group of fans with odd accents who think their team is the center of the universe square off against, uh, the exact same thing.
BUCK: Scherzer going tonight. He’s a bulldog. Old school.
SMOLTZ: Can’t agree. Does he complete his games? I played with guys who wanted the ball in the ninth. I wanted the ball in the ninth.
BUCK: Are you referring to your time as a closer?
SMOLTZ: [2 hours of angry silence]
I for one have enjoyed seeing the Red Sox and Cubs overcome decades of failure and then decide that, in fact, not winning is better than winning.
Just saw that Tim Lincecum is up for the Hall next year and then saw he has 19.5 bWAR and, to be honest, this number in no way represents the joy, delight, and awe I felt watching that lissom demigod pitch.
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Name a performance or movie that ISN’T Academy Award-winning, but FEELS like it is.
He is 45. I was dead at 42. Jesus H. Christ. twitter.com/sungmin_kim_/s
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New red-haired kid is calling the games today. Spins yarns into tapestries. First time in quite a while it’s been as fun to listen to a game as play it.
$600? Well now you know how it feels to receive a bonus for winning 60 games in 1884
RIP me
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#OTD in 1897, Charles Radbourn passed away at the age 42. Here’s my painting of ‘Old Hoss’, one of the greatest hurlers of the 19th century. Or, any century, for that matter.
I would invite five members of the 1885 St. Louis Maroons. I would poison them. I hate the St. Louis Maroons.
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You can host five baseball players, past or present, at your Thanksgiving dinner... who are you inviting?
PROMETHEUS: Lo, this is fire, which I bring to you at great personal risk
GREEKS: Show us how it works
PROMETHEUS (DAD VOICE): well, that wouldn’t teach you much would it
Well, bad news, England has to go Catholic now. Tough luck, chums.
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What's the coolest an athlete has ever looked in a photo/screenshot?
J. Arrieta:
_x_ complete game
_x_ hit some fellers
___ throws CG tomorrow
___ defends nation against secessionists
Halfway there, son.
JOE BUCK: the batsman hit a treble, mate
JOHN SMOLZ: why is it later here
BUCK: I’m a bloody toff now
SMOLTZ: how is this an island? It seems very big
BUCK: Jolly Jack Tar
Pleased to become the only hurler to win games in the 19th and 21st centuries.
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Breaking news: Hoss Radbourn wins another game! He's back to 60 after decades at 59. sports-reference.com/blog/2019/04/oI actually like Costas but it’s funny how he’s clearly dying to be a Scully-like figure spinning in threads of trivia while weaving a nine inning tapestry but instead sounds like the sports trivia scold who hates you for not knowing the backup 2B for the 1932 Cleveland Ironfrogs
New guy wandered through today. Journeyman. Asked if he could play. Thought we’d embarrass the hell out of him. 27 quick outs later we trudged off the field, humiliated. Hail to the imperfect man.
A $600 check. Now I can buy a fine parcel of land in the unsettled territories
This new guy wants me to throw both ends of a double-header. I like him.
Virginia tied it up with no time remaining. Incredible! Of course they didn’t do this in 1865. They surrendered. As traitors do.
ANNOUNCER: I have never seen a more dejected group of Cavaliers.
OLIVER CROMWELL: I beg to differ.
What if we had one giant playoff consisting of 162 exciting games and the team with the most wins at the end was the victor
Tom Brady is going to drink the hell out of his macrobiotic vegetable smoothie tonight
