The OED Loves Me Not

(1) I confess I was once a self-mutilator. Why did I harm myself? It was because of my nightmarish dual sense of original sin: (i) for having been born a man (a caste allegedly responsible for oppressing women) and (ii) for having been born as someone not exactly like a laborer.https://twitter.com/CorelRister/status/1223710800084271104 …

(2) That second motivation was because I was intellectually oriented (I'm not saying intelligent) although I was the son of a labor-oriented family. When I was young, the labor movements and the Communist revolutions were taking us by storm. Intellectualism was a sin, I felt.

(3) I felt guilty for those two big reasons, big for me anyway. So much so that I always felt I had no right whatsoever to live. But suicide was another horrible crime because it hurts all others in close contact with the one who has killed themselves.

(4) So I had to do something to punish myself in a manner other than suicide. I naturally opted for self-mutilation. I cut off a part of my body. Then I threw it away because I didn't want physicians to restore my damaged part.

(5) That part, even though it was not that big, still hurts me a bit, especially in cold weather, but I've never regretted my action. I just had to punish myself anyway. It was when I was 24. Four decades have passed away since then. I now realize that my dual sense of guilt ...