(1) I confess I was once a self-mutilator. Why did I harm myself? It was because of my nightmarish dual sense of original sin: (i) for having been born a man (a caste allegedly responsible for oppressing women) and (ii) for having been born as someone not exactly like a laborer.https://twitter.com/CorelRister/status/1223710800084271104 …
(2) That second motivation was because I was intellectually oriented (I'm not saying intelligent) although I was the son of a labor-oriented family. When I was young, the labor movements and the Communist revolutions were taking us by storm. Intellectualism was a sin, I felt.
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(3) I felt guilty for those two big reasons, big for me anyway. So much so that I always felt I had no right whatsoever to live. But suicide was another horrible crime because it hurts all others in close contact with the one who has killed themselves.
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(4) So I had to do something to punish myself in a manner other than suicide. I naturally opted for self-mutilation. I cut off a part of my body. Then I threw it away because I didn't want physicians to restore my damaged part.
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(5) That part, even though it was not that big, still hurts me a bit, especially in cold weather, but I've never regretted my action. I just had to punish myself anyway. It was when I was 24. Four decades have passed away since then. I now realize that my dual sense of guilt ...
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(6) was just a phantom. Yes, I was guilty, but I was not the only one. In fact, the whole humankind is guilty if they have to label anyone that way. Both men and women have been guilty. Both intellectuals and laborers were guilty. Why, then, did I have to suffer as I did?
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(7) Ah, yes, I almost forgot. My sense of guilt was so deep that my cutting-off of that particular part was not enough. I had to cut off some more. I even contemplated cutting off my whole left hand or even my penis.
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(8) Yes, I seriously considered cutting off my penis, which was allegedly responsible for the entire human tragedy.
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