Stefan Urquelle

I would ask where you are but it's National Whore Day and you're prolly leading a parade somewhere.

You know me well enough that if there are no sequins there is no Dave.

Me: You ever judge a dude by his feet and realize that stereotype is absolutely wrong? Him: I told you, they're my clown shoes. Me: Yeah you really do be clowning.

Everybody needs one token brunette to break up the monotony

[at the dinner table] ME: before you say you don't like something you have to at least try it SON: *trying to survive climate change* dad i hate this

i like my men like i like my strawberries. lumpy and sour

Youth Pastor: y'know who else only had 12 followers?

Naked and Afraid 2: me trapped with my sports bra over my head in the gym locker room

Sex Ed just hits different when you’re homeschooled

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I “accidentally” buy plain yogurt.

Are you saying you didn't enjoy it when I sang you the lyrics I wrote to Chuck Mangione's "Feels So Good?"

I love some of you more than people I known in my real life! Soul welding little snacks of music for my happy. some of you. some of you are assholes.

i’m not ashamed to say some days i need to be loved harder

When you were told to "pick a struggle" I don't think they meant your entire life.

[at an Alzheimer’s support group] DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?

Shoutout to Jeff Bezos for making the rest of our midlife crises look just crap. Thanks Jeff.

You can’t embarrass me. You’re not my son streaming live on Twitch when I walk in to his room in a robe wearing a face mask.

Where's accidentally attracted to Tom Holland on my old white lady Bingo card?

Me: Alexa, turn on the light. Alexa: Me: Alexa, turn on the light. Alexa: Me: A.LEX.A.TURN.ON.THE.LIGHT. Alexa: Me [looking at kids]: Stop teaching her new skills.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.