Me, apparently high: I don't want to do anything.
But I don't want to do any other thing, either.
I need a translator for my own brain.
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Doesnt Speak Klingon
@NotKlingonRed
An American, raised in a parliamentary democracy, living under communism. I don't talk politics. doesntspeakklingon.blogspot.com
Doesnt Speak Klingon’s Tweets
Who else hears “Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog” and immediately goes here?
The sex was going great until after thanksgiving…. Damn, what happened at thanksgiving? 😐
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ok i learned a thing today and the thing i learned is do not ask the a.i. for "an old woman made of teeth"
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saw a girl wearing low rise jeans with a whale tail this morning and then got a news notification that polio is back and it’s like make up your mind america is it 1950 or 2002
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Ever have sex so good you wake up the next morning and can't even think straight?
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When dreams come true.. 😂
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Jimmy Carr’s laugh makes me think he has killed and will kill again.
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Oh you preach tolerance? You think you know tolerance?
My friend has said "William" Dafoe like 17 times and I've just let it slide
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my type of pooch.
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even Dumbledore isn't immune to the harsh sunlight of a Walk Of Shame
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The notorious biker group, Hells Kittens
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when it's time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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my gf: *laughs at everything because she’s smoked a ton of weed and is higher than anyone’s ever been*
me: i am the funniest person of all time
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My toddler’s daycare apparently uses the “clean up” song. My husband and I discovered this yesterday when we started singing it and it activated our kid like she was a sleeper agent and she immediately started putting her toys away.
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The TV just said “everyone is looking forward to the start of the school year” and under her breath my daughter said “that’s a big load of bullshit”
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
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And this is why we were asked to leave.
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Mix things up by putting framed quotes meant for the kitchen into the bathroom
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re stressed about money?
Me: Spend a bunch more of it on meaningless material goods just to get a quick endorphin rush that helps in the short-term but actually makes the problem we’re trying to solve even more overwhelming?
Therapist: WTF
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Doom scrolling Twitter at 1:30a.m. and wondering what's the earliest I can get up and start my day, so I can have a nap.
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I'm babysitting and already I've screamed "WE DO NOT PICK OUR NOSES ON THE TRAMPOLINE" and "DO NOT THROW THE BELL PEPPER AT YOUR BROTHER" and I'm convinced parenting is just a series of increasingly absurd Mad Libs
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My 5yo keeps trying to use big words but frequently mispronounces them, leading to statements like, "well aren't you being a 𝙝𝙞𝙥𝙥𝙤 𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙠?"
*hypocrite
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we could be bringing back horse drawn carriages or like lace gloves and top hats but nooooo y'all gotta bring back polio
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*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
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Any movie or play can be turned into a musical by adding an exclamation point to its title.
12 Angry Men!
Goodfellas!
Midnight Cowboy!
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I don't normally do political tweets but in these times of hate and divisiveness, I think this is a message we can all get behind.
📸: Jenny Sowry
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“Daddy, that chicken’s ghost is gonna haunt you for eating it,” and other terrifying shit my 4yo casually says to me.
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My daughter told me she packed one of the “canteens” she found in the basement for overnight camp and we don’t own any canteens so I checked her bag just to see what she was talking about and pulled out a flask. She was almost the edgiest kid in the 10 y/o cabin.
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Pavlov’s dog ate Schrödinger’s cat so now every time a bell rings a cat angel gets its wings, and it doesn’t
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You know you're an introvert that reads a lot when you know a lot of words but can't pronounce many of them because you've never heard them out loud
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let me get this straight - so eating cheese off a board is “classy” and “seventeen dollars,” but when i eat it directly from the fridge at 3 am that makes me “a gremlin” ???
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