Noah GarfinkelVerified account

@NoahGarfinkel

Writer -- Single Parents, President Show, New Girl, Kroll Show, Workaholics.

Los Angeles, CA
instagram.com/noahgarfinkel
Joined May 2009
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  1. Pinned Tweet
    15 Apr 2021

    I made a short film about twitter.

    54 replies . 367 retweets 3,839 likes
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  2. 2 hours ago

    You know who else doesn’t like The Batman? The scum of Gotham City.

    1 reply . 3 retweets 31 likes
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  3. 5 hours ago

    I was the one who told FDR to not end his Pearl Harbor speech with, “But, you know, it is what it is.”

    2 replies . 1 retweet 73 likes
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  4. 10 hours ago

    I think about this twitter video more than I think about anything Daniel Day-Lewis has ever done.

    1:10
    i am so stressed out from running my pet lizards instagram account i’m about to have a nervous breakdown
    8 replies . 80 retweets 1,147 likes
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  5. 10 hours ago

    I can’t remember where I heard this and have no idea if it’s true, but I repeat it to anyone who will listen: Tom Cruise brought a football to a Super Bowl party.

    5 replies . 2 retweets 239 likes
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  6. Apr 23

    M. Night Shyamalan so put another dime in the jukebox baby

    2 replies . 17 retweets 216 likes
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  7. Apr 23

    “EXPRESS written consent.” “Jesus, Mark, okay. We’ll add the word express. Calm down.”

    2 replies . 3 retweets 41 likes
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  8. Apr 23

    Listened to a basketball podcast where they talked for 4 minutes about how NBA players are so tall, and I actually think every basketball podcast needs to do this every episode.

    1 reply . 29 likes
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  9. Apr 22

    This Phoenix Suns fan is dressed as your TV settings being screwed up.

    2 replies . 4 retweets 144 likes
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  10. Apr 22

    I don’t consider myself a “patriot,” but…

    1 reply . 35 likes
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  11. Retweeted
    Apr 22

    It's hard for me to fap healthy because I live in a lube desert.

    3 replies . 3 retweets 42 likes
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  12. Retweeted
    Apr 22

    Hard pill to swallow but the faceless adults in ET were right.

    3 replies . 10 retweets 141 likes
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  13. Apr 22

    I am simply sick of loving corn dogs the same old way.

    1 reply . 1 retweet 21 likes
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  14. Apr 22

    There’s a Wienerschnitzel ad that says their mini corn dogs are a whole new way to love corn dogs which is very appealing to me, a person who has been looking for a whole new way to love corn dogs.

    3 replies . 2 retweets 60 likes
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  15. Apr 21

    Do I actually like doing mushrooms or do I just like that one time I cried laughing when my friend Rob did a Nicki Minaj impression while talking about how we forgave Italy for their role in WWII because we like spaghetti?

    2 retweets 56 likes
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  16. Apr 21

    Guess I’ll spend my time until dinner saying “Theturtle” like a last name with the same vowel sounds and stresses as “Federal.” Jonathan Theturtle.

    Born in 1832, Jonathan the Turtle is expected to turn 190 in 2022. This makes him the oldest known land animal alive today.
    1 reply . 35 likes
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  17. Apr 21

    Damn I gotta get high as shit today too?

    3 retweets 31 likes
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  18. Apr 21

    The true ear buds are the friends who listen to you talk about your problems.

    1 reply . 2 retweets 52 likes
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  19. Apr 21

    “There’s a tweet that doesn’t acknowledge the full experience of every human in history! There’s a tweet that doesn’t acknowledge the full experience of every human in history!”

    3 replies . 66 retweets 576 likes
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  20. Retweeted
    Apr 20

    r/accidentalrenaissance

    17 replies . 178 retweets 3,485 likes
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  21. Apr 20

    Giannis Anidifranco

    2 replies . 2 retweets 47 likes
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