Mitigation: do not use suspend to RAM anymore, since ACPI randomly shuts down the computer on resume. Instead only hibernate to disk. Thank you, Linux.
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"Shut it down!" Apparently, immediately upon my suspicions being public, the zionist-chinese-russian-american-iranian conspiracy decided to just nuke my laptop. After months of issues, it is now bricked. Good thing my data is all on MMC, not on the internal SSD.
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