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  1. Pinned Tweet
    29 Dec 2018

    dr pepper is a woman

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  2. 7 hours ago

    me: honestly i just wish twitter was more positive and everyone would stop hating on each other, just mute accounts they don’t like and move on me after two drinks: horse girls don’t deserve rights

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  3. Retweeted
    Show this thread
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  4. 9 hours ago

    i’m not an ass man or a tits man i’m a sad man

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  5. 10 hours ago

    who up and wanna commit arson i’m bored

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  6. Retweeted
    1 Jun 2018

    date: i literally put salt on everything me: [thinking about the open cut on my penis] oh no

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  7. 15 hours ago

    heard y’all like hand pics

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  8. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    just watched bird box

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  9. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    *concert* Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it's raining Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

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  10. Jan 3

    can a girl who’s had a photoshoot in a bathtub full of milk tell me if the coachella lineup is good or not

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  11. Jan 3

    to whomstever called me a “white boy with no lips....” how u like me now

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  12. Jan 3

    sean kingston: you’re way too beautiful girl me: 😫😍 sean kingston: that’s why it’ll never work me: 😔🤙🏼

    Undo
  13. Jan 3

    things that turn ten years old in 2019: • firefighters • the defenestration of prague • sex • running to use the bathroom and realizing too late that you’re out of toilet paper • michael phelps • the 6-year anniversary of the master of disguise • every horse

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  14. Jan 3

    [first day as a cop] sergeant: alright here's your gun and badge me: awesome! so which one is which

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  15. Retweeted
    10 Oct 2018

    baby why don’t you just malcolm in the middle

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  16. Retweeted
    15 Dec 2018

    if herbie the lovebug 😍🚗 and my girl 👩🏼👀 both drowning 😱🌊 and i can only save one 🤔😬 catch me at my girl funeral 😔🌹 fully loaded 🤪🍆🚗💨

    Undo
  17. Retweeted
    Jan 2

    cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55 me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha cop: sure whatever [later in traffic court] judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

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  18. Jan 2

    crazy that gangnam style is 2019 years old

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  19. Retweeted
    Jan 2

    five virgins walk into a bar

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  20. Jan 2

    i got a scam email where they listed my password and said if i don’t send them $1200 they’d send embarrassing private photos and videos to my friends and family but joke’s on them i’m already an embarrassment to everyone i know

    Undo
  21. Dec 31

    dinner with my two large adult sons

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