Bad Dad

Son: How are there fat zombies? How can eating brains make you fat? Me: They probably deep-fry the brains and top them w/cheese & bacon bits

I'm going to be an Uncle! Which means I'll finally get to ruin SOMEONE ELSE's children for a change.

Dalton: "I have a new super power. I hit my head and now I can make everything fuzzy." Me: "That's not a super power, that's a concussion."

Told my daughter to stop farting on people. "Would a mermaid fart on people," I asked. Really, I don't know. Where's the mermaid butt?

We’ve been playing too much Arkham City. My son got in trouble at kindergarten for sneaking up behind a boy and doing a “silent takedown.”

Dalton: Why are we going to the doctor? Me: Need to find out your blood type. Dalton: I already know my blood type, it’s Awesome.

Dalton: "Now that's I'm 5, I'm grown up." Me: "Yep." Dalton: "I'm a giant!" Me: "Sure." Dalton: "So I can eat babies now."

Dalton:I’ve made a joke. Me: let’s hear it. D:"What did the giraffe say to the waterfall? Shut up your face!" You're on notice, Chris Rock.

Dick Cheney ordered all aircraft shot down on 9/11, even those w/o terrorists, just to be safe. Classic Cheney. http://bit.ly/qPmwQT 

J.T.T. turns 30 today. If you don’t know what a “J.T.T.” is, congrats, you were a fetus when I lost my virginity.

Thanks to Batman, I’ve convinced Dalton tough guys don’t need guns. Nice to know I can brainwash my child when necessary.

Dalton gets pissed when I sing “You’re the Best” from The Karate Kid to anyone but him because he believes that song was written for him.

Dalton: The evil scientist who made me must have programmed me to like tacos.

My kids think Michael Jackson is the only human who ever died. Dalton saw a stiff squirrel, “Is that squirrel dead? Like Michael Jackson?”

I’m the best at letting other people win. I don’t even have to if I don’t want to. That’s how good I am.

I always thought I was teaching my daughter to have a good sense of humor. Now I realize I’ve taught her to be as obnoxious as possible.

Me: "How are your girlfriends?" Dalton: "They moved. I'm okay with it. I need to figure 'me' out." My, they grow douchey so fast.

Dalton: I AM A FART ROBOT. DEAL WITH IT!