This "Empower Women" crop top I impulsively bought is like Mario 2 - wildly incongruous & challenging on many levels.
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KatieEllen Humphries
@MsKatieEllen
Comedian. Writer. CBC’s “The Debaters”, The Lady Show, “Horny OFF MAIN” Podcast. New Album “Ladyfinger” available now. I'm mostly dimples.
KatieEllen Humphries’s Tweets
Get ready Debaters fans in North Vancouver, it’s going to be raining laughs and logic real soon! We’re coming for two shows in February and tickets are on sale now!
bit.ly/3WgGzEB
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🌟 Great News Alert! 🌟
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IT’S FINALLY HERE!
My comedy album I’ll Give You An Indian Act is out!
Stream it or buy it on iTunes/wherever u buy ur music! 
lnk.to/dakota
Thank you @howl_roar for bein bomb to work w and for helping me reach this milestone in my career.
We’re doin it! 
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I’m not wearing a costume tonight but it’s freeing to know if I look fucked up people will assume it’s on purpose.
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Today I, a noted dumb person, walked around Cornell University judging every kid for having to go to their safety Ivy League (also for their frisbee tosses, obvs)
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No shade to this doctor. They happen to be a charlatan but that’s unrelated. It’s reasonable to want to make a living, a thing that’s made incredibly difficult the way general practice medicine is currently set up in B.C.
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I can get my medical records transferred to my new primary care, who is me, for $30.
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This morning I joined the ~26% of B.C. folks without a family physician. Unless I want cosmetic fillers, ‘cause that practice is open for business. Doc hopes their “termination” email finds me well. Me too. Hope we’re all well for the foreseeable I guess.
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Fellas, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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I have a gig tonight in Ithaca, NY, a place I only know from the movie “Road Trip,” fitting ‘cause I do plan to record myself hooking up with a hot person I meet at a party, accidentally send the recording to a loved one & set out on a cross country adventure to make it right.
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A comforting thing I can count on from my hometown paper is a yearly article about a local owl that steals hats 🦉
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Whatever the alternative, I DO wanna stand around playing grab ass. That sounds great actually.
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When a portion of men reach a certain age & income they will buy themselves a nice Homburg hat. Some will become hat guys. Others not. But they all have that first day when they think they will & the fun of carrying a hat box out of the shop & I love that for them.
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A lot of people I trusted encouraged disordered eating throughout my life, but the disordered eating behaviours I got from a naturopath I paid a lot for so I just value them more.
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It's eerie how good this weekend's QED Presents will be.
FRI 10/21
qedastoria.com/products/qed-p
SAT 10/22
qedastoria.com/products/qed-p
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Friday fun in Queens. I’ll be on this 9:30pm show & the 11pm at QED 👇
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It's eerie how good this weekend's QED Presents will be.
FRI 10/21 @JeffRightNoww @MsKatieEllen @columtyrrell @lizcomedy @EdibleApple
qedastoria.com/products/qed-p
SAT 10/22 @FrankConniff @katieboylecomic @NotAlexis @SuniReyes
qedastoria.com/products/qed-p
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Getting kicked out of The Comedy Mix for heckling me is now the second biggest punishment he’s been handed.
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#BREAKING: Jacob Hoggard sentenced to five years in prison for sex assault
thestar.com/news/gta/2022/
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Telling someone you had a dream about them is play time. Tell people when you talk about them in therapy.
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Whenever the Internet doesn’t work at an AirBNB/place I’m subletting (which is every time) I realize that Internet & private bathroom is all I’m paying for. Bed & kitchen are garnish. I am a gremlin.
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Border agents asked a man how tall he was & it was like his life flashed before his eyes.
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My last day in Vancouver for 6 weeks & I was blessed by a visit from the gentleman that plays Guns N’ Roses while he rolls through the back alley. Oh how I’ve missed him! (Today’s track: Civil War)
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How I ask if you wanna do hand stuff
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No buttermilk? Substitute 15ml fresh lemon juice & 100 new cops.
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Deck looking weathered? Have it looking like new with a shiny coat of 100 new cops.
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Fatigue, irritability & decreased libido? Ask your doctor about 100 new cops.
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Itchy dry eyes due to seasonal allergies? Apply a cold compress of 100 new cops.
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Housing crisis? Climate emergency? Rising inflation? Toxic drug supply? Nothing 100 new cops can’t solve.
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Pass a law that states if you want to bring back a shit old trend, you aren't allowed to manufacture it new. You really want iridescent butterfly clips, you must dig them out of a landfill
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I came home to:
✅ Vote
✅ Drink all the whisk matcha
✅ Celebrate 🍁 Thanksgiving
✅ Celebrate 15 yrs of Hero Show
✅ Celebrate new Low Lux Album
🔲 Celebrate & ’s marriage 🥰
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It's a beautiful day to think about all the possibilities this city has & how to take care of each other best. Can't wait to vote
Renters, please get out today ❤️ you count for a lot more than the 1% trying to buy this election.
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I’m so proud to call my friend for a lot of reasons but this answer is possibly the smartest and most accurate response to this (frustrating) question I’ve seen.
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The amount of people on this ferry I know have leftover pie on them/in their vehicle has dramatically upped the “I love you” eyes I’m throwing around.
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Dear Seattle Mariners, you should probably go ahead & go all the way now. Impressive either way, but anything less would be kinda rude.
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One thing I forget after even a short time outside Canada is how horny we are to lineup.
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When a comedy club has a private bathroom not in the greenroom.
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Seattle Mariners are a special team I admire a lot & its incredible to see them in the post season for the first time in 21 years.
I wish them nothing but the worst. #NextLevel
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Oh hey. Fun!
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HELLO BEAUTIFUL is tonight at 8pm at Ciao Bella in PLG/Flatbush! This show rules! Come party!
The lineup is so good:
#JaredWaters
@heyshellypaul
@itsjustaury
@realDANYANG
@MsKatieEllen
#JaredWaters
@heyshellypaul
@itsjustaury
@realDANYANG
@MsKatieEllen
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A taller, younger, more nimble guy who looks like the idea that anything bad could ever happen to him has never once crossed his mind hopped down & got it for the dude. Wireless headphones are trash but NY is mostly not.
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