contributing writer @wearemel, @ringer, & @splicetoday. seen in @theatlantic, @parisreview, &c. repped by @inkwellmgmt. co-host of @whatisleftpod 
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The year is 2039, a tough year for us COVID rustlers. The eggheads got this disease pretty well licked except for up in the Yellowknife Lotta kids run off there now, unvaccinated. "Chasing the bug," they call it My job is to bring em back, dead or alive. A man's job. A living
Never lost a kid up there, though they sure can turn on you fast. You'll have your n95 mask on and stun gun and there they are, spitting their gum in your eye. Can't tell you how many different strains I've had. Got about as much lung capacity left as a jellyfish.
One time I was chasing this boy, the "Erie Kid." I got him cornered, dead to rights. " I got my rights!" he sassmouthed me. I decked him with a good left hook. "The only rights you got is lefts, kid," I said. He moaned softly, like a lover. "Now you go and sleep awhile."
The dames are the saddest cases. They all want to waste away like those elegant TB princesses from back between the wars. You'll find em five to a tent, inhaling each other's phlegm, muttering how much different it would have been if "Bernie would have won," whoever that is.
Now I don't know this Bernie from Adam's rib, but lemme tell ya: we're all a hell of a lot better off since they went and elected the Steak Umm twitter as president for life. They've got those meat strips in every pot, and Bill Nye Jr is the Science Guy in charge of Expetise
It's just a much more reasonable society down in the Lower 48, is what I'm saying. Not some COVID infested hellhole, if you get my drift. We're at least 100 feet apart at all times. Our babies are born in the Steak Umm lab and distanced at birth. We drink sanitizer. It's fine
It's a fine country, the United Steaks of Umm. Hell of a place. People are distant from one another at all times and sleep in sanitizing fluid tanks "Not me, us." That's the national motto. What the hell does it mean? It means we believe women. We do the work. We're here for it
It's a hell of a role. The work of a lifetime
You know covid bug chasers are just around the corner. Probably tomorrow actually
It's probably already happening. A few influencers have launched careers by licking toilet seats during this period
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