contributing writer @wearemel, @ringer, & @splicetoday. seen in @theatlantic, @parisreview, &c. repped by @inkwellmgmt. co-host of @whatisleftpod 
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The year is 2022. The USA is up to COVID-37. 5 businesses remain open: Amazon, Walmart, UFC, Twitch, and WWE. Fights are streamed 24/7. Some athletes now enter the ring in iron lungs. The stock market has been replaced by a random number generator. It works just as well
Most gig work now involves people paying government credits to watch each other do mundane tasks on Onlyfans. All communication occurs by podcast. Social security has given way to everyone subscribing to everyone else's patreon. Everyone lives off the all too possible whopper
The virus has mutated so many times, owing to the world's massive population and a de-emphasizing of hand washing. Partial recoveries are sent back to work, allowing the virus to recoup its strength, breeding super-bugs. Kids chase those super-bugs and post IG stories about them
I, the man who writes Wrestler Obituaries...I work 365 days a year, sometimes filing two elegiac reminiscences a day. Nearly everyone from the attitude era is dead, including Vince. I clear a cool million a year in Amazon dot com "scrip." I smart-insulate my bunker
"How much longer can this prosperity last?" I ask, taking a hit of my can of Fiji Oxygen. The numbers look grim. At this rate, everyone who has ever wrestled a match will be dead by 2025, as will the fans who remember them. I check my provisions and unholster my sidearm
"Yes," I say, breathing deeply through my ThermoFisher silicon lungs as I step away from my keyboard in extreme fatigue, "I have had my vision." We have discovered happiness, says the last man, and blinks.
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