contributing writer @wearemel, @ringer, & @splicetoday. seen in @theatlantic, @parisreview, &c. repped by @inkwellmgmt. co-host of @whatisleftpod 
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let me lay a take on you: halloween is problematic. costumes are deceptive or too empowering to those with pretty-privilege. most candy is poisoned...by capitalism. bad boys will run wild, with their concealed identities making it harder to expose them on shitty media men lists
i want to cancel the halloween. i don't need it. i like staying at home and doing the work, dressing up my hot takes in the finest virality imaginable. i'm here for it. i never touch the alcohol. "lips that touch wine will never hear hot takes from mine" as they used to say
You’re starting to sound like next door neighbors. Ha.pic.twitter.com/umt00UO5pw
you know i finished second in my campaign for SBA president on a "no alcohol, no pizza, no beer, no student fees" platform. @MUGGER1955 would've been proud.
This made me more sick than any amount of Halloween candy ever has.
i am selling this take to any would-be hot take star for $25. i will write it for another $25. the only thing i wouldn't do it is publish under anything that even resembles my byline. "strictly for take purposes"
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