63/ Contrast BA's terrible impossible-to-picture-because-nothing-is-described writing to that of Charles R Tannerpic.twitter.com/wLHpnREI04
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74/ lol that's not exactly how I'd phrase it, but you're not wronghttps://twitter.com/SojoXX/status/1253031322114637824 …
75/ maybe at some point I'll rewrite that first page from BA there are a lot of different sins: - vidya stats in corner - vidya emphasis on weapon choice - misplaced emphasis on polygons and lighting, not action but even stuff as simple as word choice is terrible >>
76/ Words must be correct, and also precise. Technically, and emotionally. The fight is in a "pit" - an indentation or hole. And yet it has a ceiling. So - a cave, not a pit. The demon is feathery (light? soft?) yet covered in chitin (a hard shell).
77/ The demon's attacks "dwindle" ( "slow" is a far better word here). The demon "heaved for breath". Heave means "lift" or "rise". The demon's shoulders may heave, or the demon may struggles FOR breath, but it does not "heave for breath".
78/ The knight steps back and the power armor "gave the backstep a reach of fifteen feet". "Reach" is all wrong here. The backstep is achieved, not attempted or measured. A .50 caliber bullet "ripped through the air". I've shot a .50. It was concussive. It was loud. But ...
79/ it didn't "ripe through the air". Bullets are, from a human PoV, instanteous. Ripping has a time element. Clothes rip. Sails rip. A roof might rip as Godzilla tears through it. A collapsing crane could rip through an office. But bullets do not "rip" air.
80/ "The heaving combatants stirred the bones at their feet". "Stirred" implies intention, but not much of it. I stir tea. I stir pasta. Bones, though? The writing implies attention - that the hero is taking care that the bones are well distributed in his chai.
81/ The hero TRIPS over the bones. The skulls are SCATTERED. Shards of bone SPLINTER, unseen, under the hero's boots. A dust of crushed bone RISES from where the demon is thrown back into them You can call READER'S attention to the bones while not implying the HERO's focus
82/ "with an earth shaking roar, the gleaming demon charged" first, we can shake the earth once or twice, but let's save it for when the bulk of the demon crashes down into the earth, not when the demon makes noise second, "gleaming" ?
83/ we've established that we're in a pit (with a roof), so there's no sunlight All the light comes from two "gasping" torches. And the light from just those two torches is doing a lot of work >>>
84/ In the light from those two small torches we've got - a demon gleaming - chitin gleaming - gilded edge of armor reflected "like gold sunlight" - highlighted maroon loincloth - demon gleams (again) are we in a dark foul pit, or do we have intense sunlight ?
85/ author wants to have his cake and eat it too - he wants grimdark atmospherics, but he also wants to describe every color and texture, the markings on the armor, the color of the 50 caliber pistol Watch Alien or Aliens. The horror comes from the darkness and uncertainty.
86/ BA could go in that direction - the demon backs out of the flickering torchlight, hiding in the dark. A hint of movement, the hero pivots left - but, no, another hint from the right. He spins, uncertain - and then the rush of movement comes from behind!
87/ or BA could go in the opposite direction: a dozen torches, the demon has been denied its hiding spot in the shadow. Hero lights two more and tosses them. The light of the torch, burning at his feet, reflects off the gold filigree on his armor.
88/
excellent tip from @JASutherlandBks here: you can throw any detail you want in, as long as it's MOTIVATEDhttps://twitter.com/JASutherlandBks/status/1253036370496499712 …
89/ You can have the hero's attention diverse from the reader's attention, if you want, but everything will work better if the two are close to unified. To do that, bring the hero's attention to bear on anything you need to know about.
90/ Tumithak of the Corridors notices the pit in the corner of the room when it is integral to his plan.
92/ Two points about requiring description to be "motivated" (and by motivated, I mean roughly what, say, a DP or director means about lighting in a movie - is this light coming from the sun / in through a window / from a mechanic's drop light?) :
93/ first: when this rule is applied, it PRUNES some description. If you can't find a motivation to justify explaining the color of the hero's shield, then you don't do so, and that's good - it was, apparently , extraneous, and removing it is the right call
94/ second, if you CAN find a motivation, then you solve two problems at once, and you achieve economy think about the scene where Luke is fighting the monster in the cave on the ice planet Hoth when do we get a close up of the light saber?
95/ Not two scenes earlier in the hanger. Not when the cave scene starts. We don't hear or see that the light saber is silvery, or has rings carved into it merely as background information. We get a close up of the saber when it's PLOT RELEVANT
96/ Luke tries to free his feet, tries to reach the saber with his arms, and decides to use the Force. At this point the camera focuses on the saber. And not even to show off its colors, but to - focus OUR attention on it - to show the FORCE twitch it and move it
97/ We see, in passing, that the light saber is cylindrical, knurled, has a D ring and two rivets at the bottom - but that's not the POINT of the scene. The POINT of the scene is - danger - salvation (out of reach) - hope - technical mastery of skill only in SERVICE to that
98/ do we, in passing, get the mostly useless detail that the light saber is silver
100/
(damnit @JASutherlandBks !)
There are so many stories where I remember tons of details - the smell, the cracks in the walls, the color of the helmets ... and then I go back, and I re-read ... and NONE of these were in the story!
The reader will fill in colors.
101/ Elmore Leonard has an adage "don't write the parts that people skip". Similarly: "don't write the parts that people are entirely willing to fill in on their own".
102/ In my novels I thought a lot about a lot of the technical details. I took out lots of description. I don't think I ever mentioned, for example, the color of the space suits. That doesn't mean that I didn't have ideas. But you, the reader, filled that in.
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