56/ I quote tweet so that I can make a coherent thread that is easy for my followers to read and understand. I AM speaking to a room, NOT to an individual.https://twitter.com/RobHaines905/status/1253018829304860677 …
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67/ and zero words describing the ACTUAL ACTION this is like porn that spends 50 pages talking about the candles, the shape of the sofa, how it was that the lusty widow happened to be home alone...and then says "he banged her"
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68/ now, let's look at Tanner: Yakran rushes Tumithak ...a terrific blow, dodged under Tumithak on one knee...another sweep of the enemy's sword .. fall back a step...lunging rushes around the table, close to the pit, now far away a plan! ... forced to the pit a lunge!
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69/ This is PURE ACTION. No skulls underfoot being "stirred", no "feathery demons", no "like an iguana head, covered in chitin". It's a STORY, not an excitable 6 year old recounting a scene from a movie.
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70/ there's an old saw that bad writing is * X happened * then Y happened * then Z happened but good writing is * X happened * therefore Y happened * therefore Z happenedhttps://twitter.com/SunglassPri/status/1253030415037878275 …
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71/ BA has enthusiasm that, were he willing to listen to advice, might let him become a good writer with several years of practice An editor, tho, is not sufficient. It is not merely a matter of removing the bad - he must also be taught to write.https://twitter.com/sirgawain2100/status/1253030722446651392 …
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72/ side thread from accomplished and actually really good author
@JASutherlandBks ; will certainly contain lots of good info!https://twitter.com/JASutherlandBks/status/1253030894752989184 …Show this thread -
73/ 1) read many books on writing 2) read many novels, both inside your genre and out 3) cultivate high standards 4) learn to cringe hard at the garbage you generate ; feel burning shame and vow to understand what caused it and not repeat those mistakeshttps://twitter.com/sirgawain2100/status/1253031303664058368 …
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74/ lol that's not exactly how I'd phrase it, but you're not wronghttps://twitter.com/SojoXX/status/1253031322114637824 …
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75/ maybe at some point I'll rewrite that first page from BA there are a lot of different sins: - vidya stats in corner - vidya emphasis on weapon choice - misplaced emphasis on polygons and lighting, not action but even stuff as simple as word choice is terrible >>
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76/ Words must be correct, and also precise. Technically, and emotionally. The fight is in a "pit" - an indentation or hole. And yet it has a ceiling. So - a cave, not a pit. The demon is feathery (light? soft?) yet covered in chitin (a hard shell).
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77/ The demon's attacks "dwindle" ( "slow" is a far better word here). The demon "heaved for breath". Heave means "lift" or "rise". The demon's shoulders may heave, or the demon may struggles FOR breath, but it does not "heave for breath".
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78/ The knight steps back and the power armor "gave the backstep a reach of fifteen feet". "Reach" is all wrong here. The backstep is achieved, not attempted or measured. A .50 caliber bullet "ripped through the air". I've shot a .50. It was concussive. It was loud. But ...
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79/ it didn't "ripe through the air". Bullets are, from a human PoV, instanteous. Ripping has a time element. Clothes rip. Sails rip. A roof might rip as Godzilla tears through it. A collapsing crane could rip through an office. But bullets do not "rip" air.
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80/ "The heaving combatants stirred the bones at their feet". "Stirred" implies intention, but not much of it. I stir tea. I stir pasta. Bones, though? The writing implies attention - that the hero is taking care that the bones are well distributed in his chai.
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81/ The hero TRIPS over the bones. The skulls are SCATTERED. Shards of bone SPLINTER, unseen, under the hero's boots. A dust of crushed bone RISES from where the demon is thrown back into them You can call READER'S attention to the bones while not implying the HERO's focus
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82/ "with an earth shaking roar, the gleaming demon charged" first, we can shake the earth once or twice, but let's save it for when the bulk of the demon crashes down into the earth, not when the demon makes noise second, "gleaming" ?
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83/ we've established that we're in a pit (with a roof), so there's no sunlight All the light comes from two "gasping" torches. And the light from just those two torches is doing a lot of work >>>
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84/ In the light from those two small torches we've got - a demon gleaming - chitin gleaming - gilded edge of armor reflected "like gold sunlight" - highlighted maroon loincloth - demon gleams (again) are we in a dark foul pit, or do we have intense sunlight ?
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85/ author wants to have his cake and eat it too - he wants grimdark atmospherics, but he also wants to describe every color and texture, the markings on the armor, the color of the 50 caliber pistol Watch Alien or Aliens. The horror comes from the darkness and uncertainty.
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86/ BA could go in that direction - the demon backs out of the flickering torchlight, hiding in the dark. A hint of movement, the hero pivots left - but, no, another hint from the right. He spins, uncertain - and then the rush of movement comes from behind!
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87/ or BA could go in the opposite direction: a dozen torches, the demon has been denied its hiding spot in the shadow. Hero lights two more and tosses them. The light of the torch, burning at his feet, reflects off the gold filigree on his armor.
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88/ excellent tip from
@JASutherlandBks here: you can throw any detail you want in, as long as it's MOTIVATEDhttps://twitter.com/JASutherlandBks/status/1253036370496499712 …Show this thread -
89/ You can have the hero's attention diverse from the reader's attention, if you want, but everything will work better if the two are close to unified. To do that, bring the hero's attention to bear on anything you need to know about.
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90/ Tumithak of the Corridors notices the pit in the corner of the room when it is integral to his plan.
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92/ Two points about requiring description to be "motivated" (and by motivated, I mean roughly what, say, a DP or director means about lighting in a movie - is this light coming from the sun / in through a window / from a mechanic's drop light?) :
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93/ first: when this rule is applied, it PRUNES some description. If you can't find a motivation to justify explaining the color of the hero's shield, then you don't do so, and that's good - it was, apparently , extraneous, and removing it is the right call
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94/ second, if you CAN find a motivation, then you solve two problems at once, and you achieve economy think about the scene where Luke is fighting the monster in the cave on the ice planet Hoth when do we get a close up of the light saber?
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95/ Not two scenes earlier in the hanger. Not when the cave scene starts. We don't hear or see that the light saber is silvery, or has rings carved into it merely as background information. We get a close up of the saber when it's PLOT RELEVANT
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96/ Luke tries to free his feet, tries to reach the saber with his arms, and decides to use the Force. At this point the camera focuses on the saber. And not even to show off its colors, but to - focus OUR attention on it - to show the FORCE twitch it and move it
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