I went over and started chatting he said something like "hi honey" or maybe it was "missy" there was something he always called me, something idiosyncratic, and I don't remember what it was I wish I could remember
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I kissed his cheek and I *hate* that I feel I have to specify: this was normal and healthy and good, nothing I wouldn't have done in front of my parents but he looked confused
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he said "wait," leaned forward, and pecked me on the mouth (which was not normal) then he looked dismayed, said "wait, no, you're not..." and just trailed off, looking distressed
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I said something to end the conversation. I don't remember what it was. I might've said "don't worry grandpa Earl -- are you and grandma Betty going to lunch?" and scampered off
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I didn't know what to make of it the thought of telling my parents crossed my mind because when adults kissed you in ways that were Not Normal, that's what you were supposed to do right?
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I decided not to; doing anything else felt deeply wrong. I worried for him, worried people would think he was a creep, when he was just an old man going senile. maybe it would've been fine, but I didn't know and he loved us and I'd been alone with him plenty, always safe
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I don't know why this story is so important maybe some context: a few months or a year prior, a cousin had made a false accusation of sexual assault against a beloved, elderly male relative there were witnesses, he didn't touch her; she was just an angry preteen stirring shit
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I wasn't supposed to know about this (I was a horrible eavesdropper) but everyone was angry people took sides the accused elderly relative stopped hugging any of us girls for two years after that accusation even though he was cleared that hurt so much, I missed him
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I think this feels important because, maybe, it's my earliest memory of moral deliberation in shades of gray I was very black and white about rules as a kid when I wanted to break a rule I was inclined to look for loopholes rather than reason from gray areas
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this is my earliest memory of a situation where I had a Rule: if an adult does Inappropriate Affection, tell your parents! and instead of naively adhering to the rule I took it out, looked at it, and said "this is not what that rule is for" I felt strange
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