Mommy's On Valium

@MommysOnValium

{ insert cliche' bullshit bio here } A broken vessel like the rest of you. Just another cog in the machine.

The Sunny Side of Hell, LA
Vrijeme pridruživanja: travanj 2015.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    6. srp 2019.

    If you're mad that Ariel isn't white, just wait until you hear about Jesus.

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    If you ever heard anything bad about me, believe every fucking word of it and leave me the fuck alone.

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  3. I like to accomplish everything I need to very early in the day. It means I can be a worthless piece of shit guilt free for the rest of the afternoon.

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  4. Shoutout to all 3 of you who laugh at my cheesy jokes.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    I want a body like Shakira’s but I also want to eat my weight in nachos, so you see my dilemma.

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  6. 3. velj

    Call me when everyone is done talking about the fooseball.

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  7. 2. velj

    I don't usually give money for basic chores, but when my 15 year old son has work ethic that exceeds that of most grown men and I see him putting in the extra effort to do a good job when helping others, I may be inclined to throw him a little cash.

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  8. 2. velj

    This whole planet is a shit boat floating through the galaxy.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Do guys who post a lot of selfies know that they don’t have to

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    Abraham Lincoln removes his hat to reveal an even smaller Abraham Lincoln hat. Brace yourself, there’s at least seven more incrementally smaller hats I need to tell you about.

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    My Onlyfans is just videos of me raging at idiotic parents in the school parking lot.

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    27. sij

    I’ve been saving up all my street cred to get myself something pretty.

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Twitter is brought to you in front of a live studio audience *cue laugh track

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Aw...yes...the warm invite to a gathering....thank you....but no intention of going....😬

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  15. 1. velj

    You can be a sarcastic asshole and still be kind to people.

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  16. 1. velj

    In an attempt to fuck the patriarchy of Twitter I like to switch my timeline settings to "latest tweets first" instead of "top tweets first" to give the little accounts a fair fighting chance.

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    I ignored you and you didn’t go away. This is some bullshit

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    I never reported my sexual assault because it happened in front of another person and all she did was turn her head while it happened. I thought it was my fault and I deserved it bc why else would a “friend” not stop it or help me

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  19. 1. velj

    Too much food & too much beer equals a really fun day.

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    *taps mic* Political parties are overrated. *hides*

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. sij

    I'm not interested in fucking all night. Let's put a good 20 minutes of effort into it before we mega nut then share some high quality snacks in front of the flat-screen.

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