Kristen 🌹 thanks i hate it

When my manager left, I got passed around from manager to manager. I had five managers in two years. I got scolded for taking therapy visits. My therapy frequently became about managing my stress at Riot. I’d cry and have anxiety attacks. Xanax became my coping mechanism on

And off campus. I remember having to take half a pill to just get through some 1:1s with my manager because I was petrified I would be fired or told I was doing something wrong, despite that I was the only sole person running the stream or knew how to.

I begged for more people. I begged for a space. I begged for a budget. I explained countless times why we needed new equipment. It was exhausting. That kind of exhausting that just feels hopelessly sad after awhile.

That’s why the stream was the way it was. Eventually we put together a raggedy team of people who could give parts of their time to the project. I loved it. I believed in it. I fought for it. The podcast, too, though I had to give it up because I was only one person.

People busted their asses for that Twitch stream. Each one was scary. But I got told over and over again that we needed more time to prove our the value of it. I had coworkers tell me that Rioters approached them who wanted to stream. He referred them to me but they

Wanted a man’s opinion. I felt like no one ever listened to me. I just felt like I was screaming into a void for help. I got talked over. I got told to “step up and be a leader.” I got dangled leadership in front of me constantly.

I felt like I was going insane. I had to be angry — literally angry — to be considered a leading voice in meetings. That was the only time I was complimented on how I “stepped up.”

I was literally the only one at Riot that knew how the fuck to stream but I was never considered a leader. I was never given a raise or a promotion. At the end, I was removed from development teams and had the stream wound down against my wants.

I asked for guidance at Riot from my manager and was told Riots a place for people to thrive in ambiguity. I was working PAX events and development cycles and never even got introductions into the community members I managed. I was invisible everywhere.

In February 2018, I was asked by my manager if I was happy there. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and my body broke into tears. I said I had been fighting for so long and so hard and Riot just had no idea what to do with me. I asked, Do you even know what to do with me?

I spent three weeks under the last manager I was placed under. One on PTO. He told me, Well if your resume came across my desk I’d at least want to see if you’re a good fit before ruling you out. I offered to help him write the community plan that hadn’t been written.

He insisted we defer to senior male leadership over my expertise, over and over. Eventually, it lead up to a stream where our equip wasn’t good enough. Me and IT ran around on campus looking for a new processor for the CPU.

I eventually offered to go home for my own. Instead, I was angrily cut off and later told to “Go home. Don’t come in for the stream. We will speak on Monday.” I walked out embarrassed, humiliated. In tears. I quit that Monday.

I love so many people at Riot. I have a handful of people there that are friends. But I have PTSD due to that place and this industry. Even writing this is giving me shakes but it’s been a wound that has never quite healed right. Talking about it at least frees me of the fear.

I’m getting people asking if they can RT. Yes, please. I want this industry to change. I want it to treat women better. I want no other woman to be told in a whispered voice, “I like making my girlfriend scream” during a company dinner.

I’m 100% certain that my advancement in games has been ruined because I am an attractive woman. I’ve had my manager come onto me and turned him down, only to be denied promotion a month later. I know I’d be further along if I were a man.

I’ve had rumors spread about me BY MY MANAGER at a PAX West event that I was cheating on my BF and “fucking” a colleague and friend. This industry has humiliated me and hurt me in unimaginable ways and I’m not even the worst story I’ve heard. I’m just “a story.”

And one last add about Riot. Most of the women there I knew were making $55k-$65k. In Los Angeles. Where went is $2800-3300/mo. I was a “top earner” in my discipline at $75k because my first manager fought for me. One of my friends who had been there 6 years was making 10k less.

Rape has become something standard at Riot events. wtf?

https://twitter.com/MiniWhiteRabbit/status/1026960458610139136 … Make sure you read my clarification!