Saviours of this initially absolutely ruined day:
@Samos89 for being the coolest dude and gifting me Discord Nitro just because
@valtaroth for dropping everything and slaying demon hordes with me 
This evening, I relaxed by having a Pear Cider and creating a Hardcore Seasonal character in Diablo III. It worked shockingly well, but I also did not die (yet).
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As someone who was having a shitty day and decided to level up a necro in Diablo 2, this is quite a coincidence.
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Ha! That's neat! I chose a Barbarian this time, first time trying out hardcore and I'm most comfortable with them. In accordance with today, I named my boy RAGE.
End of conversation
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