In fact, I realized just how impossible it was for me to simply let myself act: I couldn’t just speak from the gut, but kept having to come up with thoughts and speculations about what I needed / why this was happening in advance of the act of speaking.
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- My friends and family will know I’m a complete lunatic if they see that I want to write about weird shit - If I have something I love to do and yearn for, I’ll feel terrible without it, and I don’t want that contrast Like playing whack-a-mole: hit one, three others pop up
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Whether these worries make logical sense isn’t the point. The part of me that keeps generating them is not conscious and doesn’t listen to logic in the first place.
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Procrastination makes the work so urgent / stressful that the parts of you in conflict just shut up and get along to fix it at the last moment. When exhausted or stressed enough, the extra layer of forced effort falls away. Not the most pleasant way to get the job done...
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A lot of advice on motivation and productivity involves trying to make goals have more gravitas: clarifying their benefits, making them the most important part of the day, etc.
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This does work for a lot of people, but if there is a part of you that strongly resists any kind of pressure or weight because it can’t handle the presence of such a burden, it is a counterproductive approach.
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Desire is supposed to be aspirational and can be a vehicle towards what you want, but it must not become more important than the experience of what you are aiming for.
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Oddly enough, some of the clearest writing that has gotten this point across to me is from occult/magic texts: getting what you want means completely letting go of the state of hoping or desiring for what you want! You can’t make both work at oncepic.twitter.com/y1SB5OsWjG
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It reminds me of how “productivity porn” ends up working: you don’t end up actually accomplishing what you wished to do, but instead focus on experiencing the means for the goal / collecting fancy notebooks and apps. Akin to the appeal of a Rube Goldberg device.
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It feels like I’m slowly sneaking up to some experiential understanding or realization about this, but it’s a strange and convoluted process. When you hit the bottom, sometimes you just have to dig sideways.
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End of conversation
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