Took some time to get out of the house and reflect on the previous tweet I made about not being able to write—in return, here’s an exploration of what causes creative block, how not to be spontaneous, and the paradox of desire and result:
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The greater your goal, the larger the shadow it casts, and the more fears and anxieties tend to latch onto it like a parasite. After all, if you want something so badly, the idea of not having it becomes intolerable.
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I’ve grown used to obsessing over abstract results instead of genuine qualities and acts—that’s all my education was.
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What is an A+ if not some diffuse symbol for a quality that isn’t even intellect (more test-taking savvy and time management, if anything) that you do nothing but desire and obsess over? But education isn’t all to blame, many people go through it without this level of inhibition
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(My hypothesis is that I get stuck on a loop between obsession over perceived needs and listless apathy towards them because I am so used to not having my needs met / tamping them down as a defense mechanism, but that’s for another thread.)
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If your goal could change your entire life, it also has the power to uproot many other sources of safety and inhibition in the process. If I let myself freely think of the inconveniences of letting myself be truly committed to a creative practice, I can come up with plenty:
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- My friends and family will know I’m a complete lunatic if they see that I want to write about weird shit - If I have something I love to do and yearn for, I’ll feel terrible without it, and I don’t want that contrast Like playing whack-a-mole: hit one, three others pop up
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Whether these worries make logical sense isn’t the point. The part of me that keeps generating them is not conscious and doesn’t listen to logic in the first place.
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Procrastination makes the work so urgent / stressful that the parts of you in conflict just shut up and get along to fix it at the last moment. When exhausted or stressed enough, the extra layer of forced effort falls away. Not the most pleasant way to get the job done...
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A lot of advice on motivation and productivity involves trying to make goals have more gravitas: clarifying their benefits, making them the most important part of the day, etc.
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This does work for a lot of people, but if there is a part of you that strongly resists any kind of pressure or weight because it can’t handle the presence of such a burden, it is a counterproductive approach.
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Desire is supposed to be aspirational and can be a vehicle towards what you want, but it must not become more important than the experience of what you are aiming for.
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Oddly enough, some of the clearest writing that has gotten this point across to me is from occult/magic texts: getting what you want means completely letting go of the state of hoping or desiring for what you want! You can’t make both work at oncepic.twitter.com/y1SB5OsWjG
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It reminds me of how “productivity porn” ends up working: you don’t end up actually accomplishing what you wished to do, but instead focus on experiencing the means for the goal / collecting fancy notebooks and apps. Akin to the appeal of a Rube Goldberg device.
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It feels like I’m slowly sneaking up to some experiential understanding or realization about this, but it’s a strange and convoluted process. When you hit the bottom, sometimes you just have to dig sideways.
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End of conversation
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